Right In Front of Me

Chapter 17

It wasn't the horror story as I heard from Kayla from her first time. It wasn't as amazing as Bailey describes always. It was just, well, alright.

I feel like I should be happier. I mean, I honestly felt completely ready in the moment. I wouldn't have said yes if I weren't sure. I don't regret it. I think. He was sweet. Truly sweet. He made sure every step of the way I was okay. Asking me multiple times if I was sure. Each time, I said yes. I was sure. I was ready. I wanted to have sex. It wasn't bad at all. But, still, I feel like I should be happy. But I'm not happy and I'm feeling weird.

When John sees me at school the next day, he comes in with the biggest smile and kisses me. It's longer than usual. We only do maybe a quick kiss here or there at school. I hate those couples that just suck face in front of everyone. Mason and Lydia are like that now and it's pretty annoying and disgusting.

He wraps an arm around my shoulder after kissing me, "You alright?"

I smile at him. A bit forced to be honest, but hopefully he doesn't notice. "Of course." I get on my toes and kiss his cheek. I quickly shut my locker and start walking down the hall with him to spend some time before class together.

At lunch, I kind of started getting annoyed with John. He really wasn't doing anything wrong. He was still being nice as ever, talking with everyone at the table, giving me a few gentle smiles. But it was like he couldn't not touch me. His hand was either on my shoulder or knee or he was holding my hand. I don't know why it bothered me. We usually are holding hands or touching in some way. Nothing too affectionate. He wasn't doing anything we usually don't. It's the same as always. But I just seemed to actually notice what he was doing and it bothered me.

John didn't seem to notice, but Kayla did because she asked me about it during Earth Science today. "Were you alright at lunch?"

I nod. I see Mason look over. Is that a look of concern? He still sits at our lab table, just doesn't really talk with us. He'll maybe quietly answer a question or work in silence, but that's it. Kayla notices that he looked over too. She leans in to whisper so he can't hear us, "You sure Lauren? You seemed annoyed or something."

I look over and can tell Mason is still listening to us. He's acting like he's not. He has his eyes up front on Mr. Vega, who's actually teaching for once. But his head is just slightly turned toward us, like he's got an ear on us. I sigh and turn to a blank page in my notebook, covering it so Mason can't read and write.

We had sex

Kayla squeals loudly in excitement, causing not just for Mason to look over, but the whole class. Mr. Vega notices too, "Miss Pierce, is there anything you'd like to say?"

It takes all of me to not laugh. Kayla's face is getting red. She knows she squealed too loud. "Oh nothing, Mr. Vega. Tectonic plates are very exciting to learn about. I never knew there were so many different types of boundaries."

I cover my mouth to completely cover a laugh from coming out. I can see Mason is not trying to laugh as well. Actually, the whole class is on the verge of laughing. But Mr. Vega doesn't see it though. "Oh yes, Miss. Pierce. It is very interesting," and he goes on, rambling about tectonic plates. Kayla quickly turns to a blank page in her notebook and begins writing.

Was it good?

I sigh. I mean, it was. But I don't get why I feel this way. I just don't feel right. I do need to talk to her about this, but I don't want to do it through a notebook.

Can we talk after school?

She nods in response. We go on with the rest of our day..

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Kayla and I are sitting on my bed, facing each other. We have homework in front of us, intending to do homework. But I need to talk to someone about this. She's the only one I can talk to about this.

"So John and I had sex last night...." I start with.

"Well I know that," she closes her book in front of her. "How was it? Oh God, I really hope it was good for you. It was a nightmare my first time. Erik and I had no clue what to do."

I remember her telling me about their first time. Neither of them were completely sure what to do. They fumbled around a lot and were awkward as anything. They ended up laughing about it later on because the more they did it, the better it got, according to her.

"It was..." I sigh. "Alright. Just alright. Not like the nightmare you told me about, but also not how Bailey describes it." Kayla chuckles at that quietly. Bailey is great and all, but wowI didn't think sex could be so good. "John was a total sweetheart. Kept making sure I was okay the whole time. Asked me multiple times if I was sure I was ready. But, I don't know, Kayla." I lay my head back against the wall and look up at the ceiling. "I feel like I should be happy. Excited. But I'm not feeling that and I don't know why. I should be happy, right? He just kept bothering me today even though he literally didn't do anything different. Why do I feel like this? I don't get it," I ramble.

"Do you love him?" This causes me to snap my head up and look straight at her.

"Wh-what?"

"Do you love him, Lauren?" she asks again. I know where she's getting at. She knows how I've felt about sex for the longest time. I used to want to wait till marriage. Then I decided, if I loved someone, I would do it. After Tanner cheating, I thought about just doing it to get it over with. But then I went back and decided if I loved someone and was ready, I would want to.

I sit and think about it. Do I love him? I mean, we haven't been together long by any means. But after our first date, I started to fall for him. Hard. He was everything a girl could want. Sweet. Funny. Caring. Charming. I swear, there was nothing about him that wasn't good. He was an honest to God good guy. Everyone at school loves him. But do I love him? Do I love John Mitchell? Do I really love him like that? Kayla must see something on my face, because she gives me a reassuring squeeze on my knee. That's when the first tear rolls down my cheek.

"It's okay, Lauren," she tells me.

"I wanted to love the guy. I wanted to love the guy I lost my virginity to. It's stupid but I wanted it to mean something. I wanted it special. Dammit!" I stick my crying face in my hands. "I want to love him, Kayla. I really do."

Kayla is soon at my side, hugging me. "I know you do, Laur."

"I was ready," I say with frustration. "I felt totally and completely ready. I knew he'd be caring. I knew he would make sure I was ready. I was ready," I choke out. I truly felt ready. I wasn't worried about where we were going. I knew it would happen. We have had some serious make out sessions, seductive text and phone calls. But I wasn't worried. I knew I'd be ready when it was time. Yesterday, I just felt so ready. I wanted to experience it. I wanted to do it with someone who cared about me. I know John cares about me. He truly does. Ever since our first date, I could tell. Even while we were having sex, he was caring. Making sure I was fine, asking if I really wanted to, asking me if it was hurting too much, if it felt okay. God, he was so caring.

But I don't love him. Last night, I really felt ready. I didn't care in that moment if I loved John or not. I just wanted to have sex. I think I just wanted to get it over with. But now, after the fact, I care. I want to love the person I have sex with. Every time. I've never been the random hookup type of person, even if it's just a kiss. I don't think I'll ever be the person to have a one-night stand. It may sound crazy to some, but I want it meaningful. I don't want to have sex to just have it. I want to love the person and have it mean something. It's stupid, I know. People have sex all the time without any feelings attached. No love. Just sex.

I'm not saying there wasn't any connection with John. I do like him. A lot. But I don't love him. And if I'm truly honest with myself, I don't know if I ever can.

I realized this all too late.