Right In Front of Me

Chapter 20

When I walked into school this morning, it looked like everyone was fearful of Kayla. When I walk into the cafeteria, it looks like everyone is fearful of me.

I slink into my chair at my usual table. Just three days ago, I was here, all nervous and upset over breaking up with John. Then I was completely humiliated by what he did. Then I sat here in shock as Kayla scolded John in front of the whole cafeteria. I can't help but wonder what will happen today.

I know what has been said today. The whispers and murmurs are all about me. There's still some talk about John, but it's mostly about how I went off on Mason and then Lydia. Especially Lydia. To be honest, I shocked myself when I went off on Lydia. Everyone was. Kayla and Bailey stood there, surprised and proud. All of Lydia's friends had their jaws wide open like hers. I even glanced down the hallway and saw Mason and Chase. Mason still had anger in his face, but I could see he was shocked. Chase had this amusing shocked face that almost looked like he was proud of me. It actually felt good to go off on Lydia like that. I don't get how I haven't gone off on her sooner.

I look over at Lydia's table. She's not with Mason at his. A scowl is on her face and she's shooting daggers with her eyes at me, but she doesn't dare to come over because I have a feeling that she knows I was right.

I should be feeling a bit better. I got anger out of me. I yelled at Mason. I yelled at Lydia. But I don't feel better. At all.

"You okay?" I hear. I look and see Kayla and Bailey are sitting at the table. I sigh helplessly and nod, but neither of them believe me.

"Can I ask what exactly happened? If you don't mind of course." Bailey asks. It's just the three of us at the table. I've only really explained this to Kayla. Some with Mason before he stopped talking to me. I nod and start.

I tell Bailey everything. Literally everything. Not just what happened with John. But with Tanner. I tell her where I feel like my life began to go down the drain, when I froze in the middle of almost having sex with Tanner. Then he cheated and I was humiliated. How he swore how he wasn't pissed about not having sex, how I could tell he was being complete sincere that he'd wait. How he called at my birthday party and I was still angry so I blamed him for saying it was about sex then ran off crying because I felt wrong for not doing it. Then got upset when I heard him and Lydia were hooking up and going to homecoming together. But then John happened. He was a great guy. Sweet, charming, funny. He helped me really get over Tanner completely. But I was still unhappy. Mason was ignoring me completely. How I decided I needed to put an effort in with John and how that ended up with us having sex. The next part was hard for me. I've really only admitted it to Kayla, somewhat Mason. But I tell Bailey how I've thought about sex. For the longest time, I wanted to wait till marriage. Then when I got with Tanner, I thought hey, maybe if I love him I'll be ready. Obviously that didn't happen. I began to wonder if I ever loved Tanner. I got in a screw it mode and thought I would just do it. I tell her the night with John, I thought I was ready. Completely ready. But then afterwards I just felt awkward. Unhappy. Not excited about it. I tell her how Kayla made me realize that it was because I didn't love him. I've always put love and sex together and realized it too late after I had sex with John. I didn't want to lead him on anymore, so I dumped him. And then he went and decided to brag to everyone that he took my virginity.

Bailey listened to every word. Every single word. Part of it felt good. I got these feelings out that I never fully explained. I didn't have to explain with Kayla, she just knew. I didn't either when I explained some stuff to Mason about Tanner after we saw him at Clark's that one Sunday morning breakfast. He just understood. I was a bit worried though. I didn't know how Bailey would react.

"Well first of all," Bailey starts, "We all know how much I like sex. I'm fine with no feelings attached. But that's just me." Oh god, where is she going with this. I'm nervous now. She takes my hand from across the table and looks at me intently in the eyes, "Lauren, you need to feel one hundred percent comfortable having sex. You might have been physically ready with John, but you need to be mentally too and you weren't that night. So if mentally being ready means you want to love them, then that's fine. I respect that one thousand percent. But you got to be both physically and mentally ready. Okay?"

I don't know why, but tears begin to weld up in my eyes. Bailey described it perfectly. I was physically ready. Completely. But mentally, I was not there. I wanted it to be love. Honestly, I did wish I loved him so I wouldn't have felt so bad. In my head and heart, I just wasn't there.

I'm also getting tearful because of how Bailey reacted. I never knew how she would. She's always talked about sex being this amazing and great thing. Asking how I haven't done it with John or Tanner. But I never told her how I feel like sex should be. So getting her respect is bringing me to tears. I'm more grateful for it than she would ever know.

I feel arms around me. Kayla has her arms wrapped around my shoulders tight. Bailey is still holding my hand from across the table. I quickly blink to hopefully get the tears away before they fall down my face. I take a few deep breaths, calming down.

"Now, John's a complete dickhead. I thought he was cool, but not anymore. He's on my shit list now," Bailey states, getting a smile out of me. "But," she starts. "I have a feeling about something with Mason." I look at her in confusion. "Tanner cheated on you at a party. It blew up and you punched him." I cringe a bit. Punching Tanner is a bit cringe worthy for me. I know I was drunk and pissed, but I kind of wish I didn't do it still. "Mason was there for you. He punched Tanner. It was pretty good to see to be honest. Yours was better," she says the last part with a wink. "You were still feeling shitty about him a couple weeks afterwards. He called you at your party and made you cry. Then Mason asked you to homecoming. Girl, you looked so happy that night. I thought Tanner going with Lydia would put you off that night, but it didn't. Because you were with Mason. Then, John happened. Don't get me wrong, if I were you at that moment, I would've gone on a date with John too. Hot guy asking you out, take it a hundred percent. But that was when Mason stopped talking to you right after that and you got unhappy."

I look at her in wonder. Both her and Kayla are looking at me intently, waiting for the wheels in my head to start spinning. Suddenly, I think I get it. "No," I tell them. "No, we're just friends. I mean we were friends," I say the last statement quietly, still gripping on to the fact that we were just friends. I don't even know if Mason and I are acquaintances any more.

"You know, I've kind of thought that he might like you for a long time Lauren. I even asked Alex, but he wouldn't say yes or no," Kayla states.

"Mason doesn't like me," I state firmly.

"Just think about it, Lauren. Really think about it all. Not just his feelings, but yours," Bailey tells me.

"What does that mean?" I ask, offended almost. Is she insinuating I like Mason as well?

"She's right, Lauren," Kayla says in agreement with Bailey. "Just think about it. About your feelings and his."

"Whatever," I mumble in annoyance. "We were just friends, that's it. Nothing more."

"Suuuuuure," Bailey says, with Kayla nodding in agreement again.

I feel like I'm getting ganged up on by two of my closest friends right now. What they're saying can't be true.