Right In Front of Me

Chapter 18

I'm nervous as I walk through school the next day.

Kayla's by my side, linking arms with me. She stayed over last night. I cried as I kept saying I wish I loved him and that I was ready. She held me, telling me I'll be alright. That it's going to be fine. I knew what I needed to do. It's killing me to do it. But as Kayla told me, I won't be happy if I keep it up and act like it's all okay when I don't feel like it is. She wants me to be happy and I should be.

I need to break up with John. I hate to say it, but I don't think I'm as happy as I thought I've been. Yeah, I like him. But I'm still not happy. It wasn't just having sex with him two nights ago. I don't think I've been fully happy this whole time. I need to be happy but I also don't want to lead him on any more. But I'm also thinking since we did it once, he'll want to do it again and I can't do it.

Shit. I spot John. He is with Mason and Chase right now by his locker. I know they've had morning practices as well since they got into state playoffs. I look over at Kayla, with begging eyes. I don't want to do this with them around. She gives me a reassuring look and squeezes my forearm, "Don't worry, I'll handle it."

Chase spots us first walking up to them. "Hey Kayla and Lauren," he says smiling. This causes both Mason and John to look right at me. I look at Mason first and can't tell how he feels. He looks happy, annoyed, and upset all at once. When I look at John, I see the twinkle in his eyes. This is going to be much harder than I thought.

I'm seriously glad that John doesn't kiss me in front of them. He greets Kayla and finishes whatever he was saying about football to Chase and Mason.

Mason doesn't walk away right away like I thought he would. Like he has been whenever I'm near him lately. He's still lingering there. He's not listening to John. He's eyes are on me. Concentrating on my face. I can see the happiness, annoyance, and sadness drift off his face and turn into concern. Mason knows me so well, he knows something is wrong. I must be showing it. At least enough to him.

"Hey Chase, do you have the history homework? I need help with one of the questions and it's due in like 10 minutes." Kayla looks at me and gives me a reassuring smile, then grabs Chase's arm to drag him away. Chase sees it and gives me a confused look, but quickly begins to walk away with her like he has a choice, which to be honest, he doesn't. Mason lingers for a second, but then follows them. I see him look back as he's walking away. Soon, a guy comes up to him and pats him on the back and it's back to pretending I'm not there. Arrogance and all is showing just with this one guy.

Now, it's just John and I. There aren't a lot of people around us thankfully. "Hey baby," he leans in for a kiss. I turn my face so he gets my cheek. This gets a confused look out of him. "Everything okay?"

I want to nod. I want to pretend it's all dandy. I should be happy with John. Why can't I be happy with him? He's a great guy. True gentleman. But I'm not happy and I don't think I can continue to not be happy any longer. He has to have sensed it. I shut him down quickly whenever he asks I'm okay. I tell him I'm too tired to hang out. Practically ignored him all day yesterday after we had sex the night before. I'm nowhere near as affectionate with him around others as he is with me. He's always draping his arm around my shoulder, touching my lower back as we walk, interlacing our fingers when we hold hands. He initiates it every time. Not me.

"John..." I take a deep breath and close my eyes. You can do this Lauren, you can do this. "I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry. You really are a great guy. But I can't do this anymore. I'm so sorry, but I think we need to break up." I feel a tear roll down my cheek. I look down. I can't see his reaction. I don't want to. I know I've just hurt him horribly.