· N E R D ·

t w e n t y - t h r e e

It had been a few days since the last appointment with Dr. Kirsche. Evan was currently sitting on his bed, notebook and pen in hand, writing his letters. Jonathan was in his own room doing homework for his culinary class.

Evan had been hit by so much wisdom from his therapist that he was left speechless by the end of it. He didn't know what to make of it all. There was one thing she said that he couldn't stop thinking about repeatedly.

"I mean go back to a time with your old stepfather or a time with that friend of a friend. A time that you wish had never happened. Now imagine Jonathan there with you instead. Obviously he wouldn't do what the other two did. He would actually treat you right."

Sex. The word haunted Evan continuously. He'd only ever had unwanted sex and he knew that made him fear sex in general. But he also knew that if he were to have sex with Jonathan, it would actually be wanted and gentle and slow, unlike the other times. Evan couldn't help but to feel guilty because although Jonathan tried his best to hide it, he knew he would jerk off quietly in his room sometimes. He was a male, after all. The guilt was only there because Jonathan satisfied all of Evan's wants and needs yet Evan couldn't do the same for him. Did that make him a bad boyfriend? Possibly.

With a shaky sigh, the Canadian pulled the sleeves of his sweater down and stood up, setting the pen and letters on the bed. He opened his bedroom door and quietly walked across the hall to the other bedroom door. He gave it a few knocks before opening it and when he peeked his head in, Jonathan looked up from his laptop.

"J-Jon? Are... Are you really busy?"

"I'm never too busy for you. What is it?"

"Can I talk to you?"

"Of course. Come in."

Jonathan moved all of his sprawled papers to make room for Evan to sit on his bed next to him, which he did. He also took his hand and began to rub it soothingly.

Evan took his other hand and pushed his glasses up, sighing. "Gosh, this is so embarrassing..."

"What do you mean? What did you want to talk about?"

A faint blush covered Evan's cheeks as he closed his eyes and whispered, "I want to talk about sex."

He felt Jonathan go stiff for a minute, but he quickly relaxed again.

"What about sex, exactly?" The caution in his voice was clearly heard.

"Us having sex."

"...Oh."

Brown eyes reopened and met blue ones. "I want to satisfy all of your wants and needs, Jon, like you do to me."

"What do you mean? You do satisfy me, Ev."

"No, I don't. I clearly lack in the sexual field. You're not exactly quiet."

Now it was Jonathan's turn to blush. "Oh. Well I don't mind, Evan. I know what you've been through and I don't want to push you into anything just because of common male issues. I want you to want it too and I know you're not there yet and that's okay—"

"I am there, Jonathan." Evan looked away towards the door. "I want to have sex with you..."

That combination of words made Jonathan's heart swell (among other things), but he kept his composure because he wasn't sure if his boyfriend meant it.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Evan ripped his hand out of Jonathan's and stood up from the bed, walking forward and turning around.

"Because! I've only ever had sex that I didn't want and with people I didn't want! This is different! I actually love you and want you, Jon!" Tears began pouring out of his eyes. "Do you know how many times my mind wanted to think of Luke as you instead to make it more bearable? I had to constantly stop myself because if I thought of him as you, then I might've actually enjoyed it. I had to torture myself and remember that Luke was doing it to me, not you, because I didn't want to ruin any sexual experiences I might have with you. My therapist said that reliving horrible memories with you might help me because you actually treat me right and sex has horrible memories tied to it. So yes, I'm sure, Jonathan. I'm really, really sure."

The American could do nothing but sit there on his bed and listen to the words being spoken to him. He didn't realize this meant so much to Evan. His arms instinctively opened to his boyfriend and he gladly accepted the invitation.

Evan was now straddling Jonathan as he held him tight like a baby. Evan cuddled into the muscular chest as his silent crying continued; Jonathan ran one hand through the raven hair while the other ran circles on the hunched back.

They stayed like that for what felt like eternity until Evan picked his head up and rested his cheek on Jonathan's shoulder.

"Jon?"

"Hmm?"

"Have you ever had sex?"

"Once."

"When?"

"When I was sixteen."

"Really?"

"Yeah. My friends pressured me into having sex with some girl in our school. I didn't really care that I was the virgin of the group but they certainly thought it was a big deal. I like thinking about it, though, because after we had sex, we both came to the conclusion that neither of us were straight. She actually got married to another girl from our school right after graduation. It's a funny story to tell."

"Wow." Evan smiled.

"I know. I've never had sex with a guy before, if that's what you're worried about. However, I'm not exactly clueless, so..."

"Hmm..."

More silence. The two continued to just sit there with one another until Jonathan spoke up this time.

"So when do you want to do it?"

The bluntness of the question made Evan laugh internally. "I don't know."

"Well then let's start now, shall we?"

Mature themes in the next chapter.