Finding You

Chapter 23: Fishing

The sheer amount of times Yoongi changed his mind about how he should be handling the situation with Alex was enough to give any sane person whiplash. But he wasn't truly changing his mind. He was just constantly caught up in a guilty feeling that caused him to think of other options that he could follow through with, however, they never stuck. They always were just fleeting ideas, never progressing any further than that. He always just pushed them away and continued to talk to her.

Truth be told, he didn't want to stop. No matter how much he had told himself it was a terrible idea, he had let her slip into his life. He was far past the point where he could just abandon their friendship. He was way too addicted to her now and a part of him felt like he would rather shoot himself in the foot. At least that was quick and he could get it over with.

Yoongi sighed as he opened the little notebook that he wrote ideas in for talking to Alex. He had twenty now, some of them incredibly vague, others very specific. Truthfully, he would probably have had more like fifty if he hadn't thought of things and then promised he'd write it in the book later only to forgot to do it. Since he had realised that he was hindering himself by leaving it in the dorm, he started carrying it with him.

21. I'm an indecisive pussy bitch but I'm glad because it kept me talking to you.

He set the book down on the table and then looked up, realising Namjoon was staring at him. It occurred to him that in broad daylight, during the middle of his English lesson, he had been caught daydreaming about Alex, even pulling out a little journal to write down his thoughts about said daydreams. He just gave Namjoon a little smile, hoping his friend wouldn't be annoyed with him. He highly doubted his friend would be annoyed with him, he was too chill for that, but it didn't mean he wasn't about to be in for a talk with the leader.

"Yoongi, she isn't just some fan you're talking to anymore," Namjoon said quietly as he glanced back down at the book he had been reading, a title named Demian. "You like her."

Yoongi almost wanted to laugh, but he held it back because sarcasm wasn't exactly needed here. Instead, he raised his eyebrow and studied his friend's face, trying to get a sense of what was going through his head. "I thought you knew that considering you told everyone she was my girlfriend."

"No, that was a misinterpretation on Jimin's part," Namjoon said simply as he shook his head. "I said she was a friend who was a girl. Jimin just went way away with it and told everyone else."

Yoongi sighed. Of course it was Jimin. The poor kid had most likely been so excited about it that the probability of his actions being unintentional was high. It was always Jimin, but strangely Yoongi didn't mind. He didn't mind every member thinking that Alex was his girlfriend and that was probably because he wanted Alex to be his girlfriend.

Yoongi looked back at Namjoon and nodded. "Yeah, I like her. She's...she's just another person out there but she's real." He sighed and shook his head, never having really been good at describing what he was looking for in someone else. "She makes me happy and she makes me feel like I can be myself and not worry about anything that comes with it."

"But you do need to worry because as much as you like the idea that there is simplicity in your relationship with her where you can be real about how you feel without repercussion, eventually you're going to have to be honest," Namjoon told him, eyes serious. He almost looked a little sad. "I feel bad for her, Yoongi. What you're doing, it's cruel."

Yoongi bit his lip, trying to ignore the fact that he felt like he had been punched in the stomach. His friend wasn't trying to be harsh, he was being honest. That was their relationship, they were always brutally honest with each other, from the way they discussed music to the way they discussed life. He let out a long sigh as he picked up his pen, feeling the cool metal under his fingers while he pressed the tip to the page corner. He drew circles, trying to focus his mind a little.