Finding You

Chapter 16: Excuses Excuses

Yoongi laid in his bed a couple of days after Alex had answered his first set of questions. He looked over the answers as well as the posts in between. He was happy it was finally starting to cool off now that the mid-September nights had started and he didn't need to be glued to a fan. He might have been rereading at this point, practicing his English. Every time she answered a question, he felt the extreme urge to study English wash over him. He wanted to read her thoughts with ease, he wanted to understand her without difficulty. He wanted to know more. Alex was quickly becoming an obsession, like a book he had been sucked into. With every page he turned, he wanted to turn the next; he couldn't put it down. He couldn't get her out of his head.

Yoongi took a deep breath and closed his eyes, trying to imagine what she might look like. Alex was faceless, he couldn't picture a person there no matter how hard he strained his mind, and yet he was confident he could talk to her for hours. He was confident they could talk about interesting topics or maybe just exchange sarcastic wit back and forth.

What did her smile look like? Was it gummy? Did she smile with her teeth showing? What did her laugh sound like? Was it loud and boisterous, like Taehyung when he got up to no good? Or was it a soft collection of little giggles and hiccups, like Jimin? The more that he talked to her, he grew desperate to know more about her than what the confines of their small IM chat could tell him.

Every part of his brain told him that now was the time to put his foot down and stop. He was beyond interested in her blog and, at some point, he had become attached. He wasn't sure where but had begun obsessing and it wasn't healthy, he truly knew that. Yoongi knew he couldn't just try to get to know a fan like the way he wanted to get to know her; it would stain and strain their relationship, a constant mark and reminder that there was a barrier between them that should not have been crossed. There was no future in trying to become friends with her. But he couldn't stop himself from wanting to try.

Yoongi took a deep breath, looked away from his phone and the asks she had answered. He stared at the ceiling as if the little-textured bumps that spread across the surface held some kind of wisdom, and he bit his lip. There was no future in talking to Alex, he would never be able to get more than exchanging words back and forth through an electronic device. She could never know who he was. They could never advance beyond just speaking on Tumblr and Yoongi decided he didn't give a single fuck.

He was going to do what he wanted.

He looked back at the screen and checked the time, seeing it was getting very late and he should be asleep. It was around two in the morning and the only light in the room shone from his screen. Jin wasn't awake to tell him to sleep but his conscious weighed against him; he had already made one huge rebellious decision for the night and that seemed like enough...but he also knew Alex would be up right now. Yoongi compromised, he would refresh her blog one last time before he went to sleep and then he would send her a goodnight message, put his phone away and turn in.

The first post was a new ask and he stared at it curiously, knowing it was short enough that he could definitely read it without help if he tried.

Alexxx, I don't know what you look like! Post a selfie? Please? <3

Why did he suddenly feel so fucking nervous? His stomach felt like it was doing somersaults inside of him and he had to take a moment to ground himself. If he scrolled down, there would probably be a picture of her there and he would know what she looked like. There would be a face to the name. Yoongi knew he had no reason to be scared because he truly didn't care what she looked like and yet he was so hesitant about scrolling down. Maybe he could just never go any further down on her blog. That was a possibility. It was stupid, but he could do it.