Boy Meets D.Evil

1.10

"Namjoon, wait for me!", with that, someone grabbed my arm and clung to me. The wind brought a certain smell to my attention, it made me smile and feel warmth in my cheeks as I wrapped my arm around the girl next to me. I love everything about this. Autumn will always have a special place in my heart since it's connected to the start of the school year, being with my friends most of the time and of course, my girlfriend. Walks like this after class bring peace and my mind is finally at ease. I have a couple of childhood friends, but I still don't feel comfortable enough to share my thoughts with them. She's different. I can take off my mask with her and breathe freely, knowing she's gonna be here no matter what. 

Yoongi claims everyone's born evil, we just learn to behave along the rules set up by an authority we're not allowed to question. At first, I couldn't agree more. I thought I was no different than a murderer, not literally the same, but through sinful thoughts. Being inconsiderate at times. I used to believe... I was evil.

That is until I met her.  An angel? No, I wouldn't call her an angel. She's something even better and more powerful, a human. Being conscious of her mistakes and aspiring to work on herself, helping others no matter the situation and being so considerate I'd often have to tell her to focus on herself for a while and let other people lead their own lives. A bit ironic, isn't it? Because I can't imagine a life without her. Who knew I could fall for someone so hard, I'm never gonna stand on my own again? 

"Namjoon", she'd say in a sweet voice, being cute is natural to her

"We all have a dark corner in our heads and personality. Just don't overthink, I believe the good inside of you has already won, you just need to be more confident"

"It's not that simple"

"I know. Loving ourselves is the hardest task we're assigned to. It will take a while but with your hardworking personality I'm sure you'll reach it soon"

"You really think so?"

"Of course I do! You should think so too! Otherwise, what's the point?"

But it never made sense. I never truly understood her words. She's full of love, gosh, it's impossible to put it in words how she showered everyone with love, helped them overcome their fears and gain confidence but... she never left some of that love for herself. How is that the right thing to do? How can she love me if she can't love herself?  

WHY was she like an eraser that everyone dared to use then simply throw away? I tried my best to fix that, to show her she's more than that. No one was brought to this world to take that role. No one is obligated to be everyone's servant and treated so poorly. Especially not her...

It took me a while before figuring what made her this way. But it was too late then. I can be so stupid and ignorant at times. The same reason some people don't greet their neighbours, never share, insult their colleagues and so on...

"I'm so sorry..."

"What's wrong, love? Please, talk to me"

"I tried, I really did. But it's so hard", every single tear that left her pretty eyes was like a knife cutting deep in my heart

"Namjoon, I just hate myself so much I feel like I don't deserve to be alive at all"

"You said it yourself that learning to love is a hard process that takes time-"

"But it doesn't work for me. NOTHING ever works for me. That's why... I decided not to burden you anymore with my problems and awful personality. I can't hold you down anymore"

Hold me down? Ever since I met her I felt like flying was such a simple thing to do. Everything she said that day infuriated me so much. I wanted to hold her tight, wipe away her crystal tears, let her know in every way possible that she deserves love, do the same thing she did for me. In the end, it seems like I was unable of doing that. The girl I loved wholeheartedly slipped between my fingers like sand in an hourglass.