Affinity

Chapter 11: Going Through The Motions

" Hey Ab." Trish greeted me with an unsure smile but a reassuring hug. She usually didn't come in this early, hence the whole point of me being here, but obviously she thought I needed coddling on my first day back. The effort was noted, the gesture however was hard to return. I couldn't fake the funk as good as I'd like to think. There was no cure all for my broken heart and paranoid mind. Sleep ran away with Travis' ghostly image and, down time, though in theory should be focused on school, was still drifting towards my brother. An issue I kept to myself after I'd made the public declaration that all that had to do with that man be laid to rest for good.

" I'm fine Trish, hey." The smile was genuine but the cheery tone was forced, our conversation trailed off after because my brain had no interest or power to formulate an appropriate line to follow.

Instead Trish looked at me with love for a moment before retreating to her office, I sunk into my chair and forced my hands to shuffle through errant mail on my desk to keep tears of overall "not okayness" from flooding down my face. I had a front on, but I was overwhelmed. Stressed in all fibers of my being I drew alternate versions of myself as a façade to meet the world with. I reminded myself of Rah. He'd been back to daily life for weeks now, and though all was not as it had been, he was functional. I on the other hand, was taught, my nerves shot beyond recognition. That man comforted me on the daily when things became too much, a task I couldn't complete for myself. When I failed to live in the moment and worked myself into overdrive formulating my future his steadfastness tethered me to the here and now. I juxtaposed it against the lives my sister and other women in my family had. The lives of put-together fluidity brought against broad backgrounds of love, lives I wished to inhabit one day when calmer waters allowed and dreams were no longer haunted by dead brothers in law. But alas we were not there yet, we were here, and here held stress up to the ninth degree.

" Good work today class. We are finishing up here so over the next week if you have any questions about the final or make-up work just send me an email and we can talk about it ok? Good night everyone." My professor looked on me with lingering kindness as she made her way to front of the class to pack up her things. I had done some make-up work in the interim and was confident I could finish the lasting assignments before the deadline, but the thought alone of final work did bring a fresh sweat to my forehead. I wiped it clean before anyone could notice the unusual perspiration in a barely heated room on a late November evening.

I ran out the classroom to the slight haven the outside air brought. I leaned against the wall the smokers usually unlawfully inhabited and replied to text messages I left errant while in class. Jazmine was doing her usual check in, Rah was asking for dinner suggestions, and life was in full swing.

" Ay yo Ab!" I jumped on impact as the words flew to me from down the street. When I looked up I saw Jaelyn sauntering towards me, his gleaming scar in full view. Nah, no thank you, this looks like the moment to walk away. I took heed of my inner conscience and walked away from Jaelyn as if he'd never spoke my name.

" Abla stop." There was no force in his tone or pleading as he reached out to touch me.

As I heeded his call and halted my trek he dropped his hand quick, as if prolonged contact would be a sin on all fronts.

" I wouldn't come if I didn't need to."

" You told me to turn away to walk away from him, I did. I haven't spoken his name, looked for his frame, I'm done. I have no brother." The words were false but the sentiment was a truth I was trying hard to commit to nonetheless.

" Abla he did it."

" Excuse me, did what?" There was fear creeping in my heart. I had no idea it's origin or purpose, but there it lay in my most vital organ pumping with ferocity throughout my body.

" Time, Hakim killed him. Look, I wasn't sure before but I am now-"

" Shut the fuck up." I cut him off mid sentence with profanity I often opted not to use as I fought to regain my sanity.

" Look this needs to be said, you have to know." Jaelyn appeared the epitome of sincereness; all pleading eyes and altruistic tones.

" I have no brother. As you've said you are a stranger, a form I barely know. Go home Jaelyn, you don't owe me a thing." I turned and attempted to leave the scene altogether once again, his form quickly blocked my path.

"Oh but I do Abla, I do."

" And why is that Jaelyn, explain that shit to me!" I was exasperated at this point, the day had reached it's breaking point.

" Because a long time ago I made a promise and I ain't breaking it now." There was a strange determination on his face, a phrase was tearing at his mouth, one that he was trying to calm before it tumbled out in the wrong way.

" I'm listening." I could no longer endure the urgency in his breath, it was a stench that chilled my spine. To turn my back on it and him would spell my downfall, this I knew.

" Your man's brother was selling for Hakim. He stole from him and burned some bridges, on that note Hakim decided what needed to be done. You were not supposed to be there Abla, but you need to know Raheem was."

" The fuck you mean he was!" I'd forgotten to police my decibel and Jaelyn drew me closer to remind me of the very public venue we were at.

" Lower ya voice please-", even now Jaelyn was acting with a sincere tone, an inherent respect I was still trying to find the origin of saturated each word and action he took towards me.

" Lowered. Now talk." 

What are our thoughts......