Affinity

Chapter 9: Because my Sister is my Best Friend

" Abbie! Don't you ever shut me out like that again you hear me!" Jazmine was cupping my face as she let tears fall freely down her cheeks. I had finally answered my family's incessant calls, and now here I sat on my parents' couch, with my sister on her knees in front of me and either parent flanking my sides. I'd dumped all my emotions at this juncture in time, seemed tethered lodgings kept salty liquid from spilling lids when in the presence of anyone but Rah. Rah who sat in the kitchen with Jaz's boyfriend, bouncing a giggling James on his lap. The sight had me removed from this scene. I was now in the percipient future, past short walks down aisles and first anniversaries. I saw a swollen belly and joyful new parents; that's when I snapped back to reality. A family member was missing, one who'd been lost but suddenly found a day ago.

Without speaking I pulled Jazmine up from the couch and dragged her down the hall to Hakim's old room.

" Do you know?" I locked the door behind us and turned to pose the question to my literal best friend.

" Know what?" Jazmine look petrified, like I was about to tell her my own life had been taken despite the fact that here I stood in front of her.

" Hakim." All I said was his name. I swear on everything all I spoke was our brother's name, a two-syllabled word was all.

" Where the fuck is he Ab? Did he come to you! I swear if that man steps one foot around my family-" I cut her off, I dropped her tone and speech as I threw a hand over her mouth. Reminding her that her son, and our family were but a hallway away.

I knew Jaz better than to accept my brother's words at face value and believe that he'd informed her of his appearance or that she had summoned him. I knew that night he was lying through his teeth, but joy and overall relief in his appearance was enough to bring me into a fogged state. Logic didn't matter because Hakim was in my view and all else was null and void. He was still lying to us, I secretly questioned his motives as I watched Jazmine struggle with the news.

She took a minute to compose herself, which involved taking two steps back while whispering a curse word or two under her breath as she ran her fingers through her hair. I gave her this moment to take it in, it was a lot. For the past couple years we'd collectively acted as if we'd had no brother, that there was no void, and now here I was asserting that a void had certainly existed but was now, once again, filled.

" He is our brother Jaz. Mistakes and all he's ours." I meant the word 'ours' with intended possession, ruthless coveting followed suit.

" He may be, but that no longer holds weight with me." Jaz was a somber livid, a quiet calm that was scarier then bubbled over rage.

" He came to your house? How the fuck did he know where you lived? Why at this moment in time after all that's happened, would he show up?" These were questions my sister relayed to me as we sat cross-legged on Hakim's old bed as I related our brother's re-entrance into our lives. I answered her questions quickly with rushed breath, tears spilled over as I related the apology he threw to me, that I hadn't known to catch.

" You always loved him too much for your own good Ab." Admonishment from my sister on my love for our brother sent me on a dizzying fit of sadness and hysterics.

I loved him! What could I do about the love I had for my brother? Jaz the big sister she was, sorry for her harsh tone in light of all I'd been through drew me to her and let me sob.

" I'm sorry Abbie, I'm sorry."

I'd taken a break from school, not a long one mind you, a three-week stint to grieve and gather myself. The same went for work. I spent my days with Rah and my family. The moments I did steal to myself were spent waiting for the ghost that was my brother. It'd been two weeks since his last appearance and I barely had a week left before the rigamor of life resumed without a beat. I'd endured Time's funeral without the comfort of my blood brother to hold me through. I'd wished him to appear and he had not heeded that call. I was mad at him. Livid at his entrance and then soon after disappearance.

" Baby can you please come to bed?" Rah stood at the bedroom doorway looking at me with low eyes.

" I'll be there in a minute baby." I was lying. Not a full un-truth or even a ill intentioned mendacious statement, but rather a time-induced phrase

"He's not gonna appear out of thin air Abla."

" He can't lie again, not like this, not to me." I was stubborn and un-compromising and maybe a tad bit naïve, but that was ok with me. I had free license as his baby sister to act however I wanted towards him. I could be reckless in my emotions because that's what family is for right?

" He shouldn't, he absolutely should not, but just because we think that doesn't mean he does too. How many times did Travis fuck up? A lot, you witnessed a good amount of it. We told him otherwise but he did as he saw fit, we loved him anyway and that's all you can do."

" Is it though? That doesn't sound like the end all to be all I was looking for." I stood from the couch and circled to the doorway where Rah had been vaulting his words to me from.

" It all has to work out in your head first huh?" It was a rhetorical question, I knew that. It stung a bit on impact, he knew that. Here we were in our first argument, a light hearted one albeit but there it was in the silhouette of our breaths lamented in the air before us. I drew away a step and crossed my arms, daring him to continue down that line of questioning if he truly thought that would lead to me 'coming to bed'.

" I didn't mean it like that. All I'm saying is we are not in control of our lives no matter how much we wanna be or think we are. You over analyzing your brother's mindset won't get you anywhere." He was logical, I knew it but I didn't care.

" Say you think I'm gullible. That's what your thinking so say it." I was in a mode now, not a mood but a mode, there was no changing directions now.

" Hush with that nonsense." He waved a hand at me before turning around and walking back into the bedroom. I followed, hot thoughts and painful words on my tongue.

" Look I know where we are, and who we are, but this is not ok! We are ok cuz we have each other. My brother and I, there's no we! That man has left me for the second time and I'm broken Rah, I'm heartbroken." I wasn't crying but my face was hit with rage and I was yelling. Rah didn't turn to face me but stopped walking, it was easier to throw large and passionate words to his back rather than to his face anyway. Had I'd had his handsome face to gawk at I'd surely break resolve and end up in the tears I'd worked so hard to leave behind.

" This is not my choice to feel this way it is just how it is. I apologize if my love makes me into a person you aren't fond of, but when applied to you you seem to enjoy it all the same." I turned on my heel and walked back out the bedroom and out the apartment. I would not let this argument continue.

I was being petty I acknowledged this as I walked into the hallway of my building and sat on the stairs leading downstairs. I sat on the step third from the top and pouted. No tears, just anger and pouting. Oh yea, and the view. The view of my front door caught me. It brought me back to the night Rah had come here to tell me he loved me too, it hadn't even been that long ago. When I'd practically ran down the stairs to look through the glass in my front door to see his handsome face. I smiled now at the hindsight of it all, our rearview was beautiful.

Here we were now. And even with a couple steps and a door between us I knew he was still mine. We weren't kids. Young, yes. Kids, no. We knew what we wanted from our ourselves and each other. The commitment had been built over years of tentative wishing and secret planning, and now we were here. Here was the place of eternal kisses and lauded over loyalty, no matter my trivial mode at the moment I knew he would still be there.

" Abla." I turned my head at neck breaking speed because my name sounded so sweet rolling off his tongue. I didn't respond, there were no words for the emotions I'd found on these steps. All I did was pull his frame closer and lean back into his legs. He put his hand on the top of my head and imparted to me the following line, " We good baby, we always good."

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