Eye of the storm - Lams fanfic

The Room Where It Happened - special chapter

(Change of POV)

I was sitting in the coffee shop, studying for one of my cases. Except I wasn't paying attention. All I could think about was how close they were. I knew they'd done it. In fact, I had been in the room where it happened. I wished I could have burst out and yelled "stop! He's mine! You can't have him!" But, of course, I couldn't.

We'd started at the same time, but he was better. Everybody fought to have him protecting them. Not a lot of people wanted me. But, I couldn't be angry at him. I'd loved him from the very start. Ever since He'd come seeking help and advice. I had given it to him. At first, I was happy to help but now I dont know where I stand.

He isn't well, I knew that much. I wished I could help. I longed, in fact, to help him. I wanted to be a shoulder to cry on. I wanted to kiss him before he went to sleep. I wanted to say I love you and then.. well... I wanted to pick him up bridal-style and carry him onto a bed of roses and kiss him and-

Stop. He's not mine. Just stop it! He's not mine he's johns! Damnit John. You don't know ow lucky you are to have Alexander. I saw how loving they were to each other that time in his house. But I couldn't look for long. It hurt too much. All I could hear was the moaning and...

I didn't tell anyone but I thought about it every night, everyday, every moment of my miserable life. I'd begin to hate myself. I worried I was going insane.

Theodosia loved me more than life itself, but I didn't feel that's level of love for her. I'd knocked her up and we had to get married. I'd pretended to love her the same way she loves me but it never feels quite right. And when we have sex it's just a way to drown my sadness in pleasure. And I hated myself for it.

Alexander is constantly in my mind. I think about him at work, when I'm relaxing with my wife, when I'm taking a walk with my children. Hell, I even imagine it's Alexander I'm fucking. And I hate myself for it.

I've begun to believe I'll never be satisfied with what I have until it's Alexander that I have and I hated myself for it.

At first we'd had our ups and downs but he was my first friend now I don't know where we stand. I haven't seen him in maybe months. And I wish I had the confidence to just pick myself up and be his friend. But I couldn't and I hated myself for it.

I'm so depressed and I hate myself for it. People have bigger problems than I do. Some people have way worse lives than me. I felt the shame rise in me and I lie awake at night knowing that some people are in terrible conditions and positions and have a right to be depressed. I don't and I hate myself for it.

I hate myself.

Sorry for the depressing chapter. I just wanted to show how burr was struggling with his feelings. I thought it might be nice to add in.

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