Wondering why

Part 2

I left the hospital two days later fairly unharmed, apart from the few scars I had retained on my body and the mental ones, that I tried to push to the back of my mind. Aunt Lucy was staying with me for a week before we are heading to States to begin my new life. Now that I have mulled over the idea I couldn't wait for a fresh start, here everything reminded me of them. The two bodies that were being put six feet under the ground, today. Everyone was here apologising like it was them that killed my family and it was really bugging me, because the one and only person I wanted to apologise couldn't.

What most people didn't understand was that I have not simply lost two people at one point in time. I have lost their presence in every aspect of my life. That was something that no apologies could undo.

Aunt Lucy organised the entire funeral according to their will. I hated the entire occasion everyone pitying me and hugging me, I'm sorry if I don't appreciate the poor attempt of comfort. Aunt Lucy's sons couldn't come because they had really important finals, which not to be rude was seriously disappointing seeing as they had known my parents so well.

I cried through the entire ceremony. When I went up to talk about how amazing and supportive my parents had been I choked on the first sentence. It took me almost ten minutes to get myself under control enough to speak. I had eighty percent of people crying in the room as I talked about how they had got me through the toughest of things and always been there for me no matter how bad things were. I went on to talk about how madly in love my parents were (that is what set off most of the people crying). I talked about their ambitions and goals the ones they reached and the ones they didn't get the chance to. "I was so very lucky to have people who loved me and each other so much. Now I know that they are in a better place and that they will watch over me just as they always have." I said slowly, I held back the sobs, but I had tears running down my face but it was glad to have got it out because I knew it was true. They always have and always will take care of me, even if they can't actually be here to do so.

During the burial I cried my body weight in tears. Their bodies were lowered down into the ground where they will be left. I asked to say another few words, "Every time I think of you my heart still fills with pride, though I'll always miss you mum and dad, I know you're by my side." I drop the dirt on my mum's coffin then walk over and do the same to my dad's. "Until we meet again," I whisper.

I make myself promise that I will come back every year on this day.

Aunt Lucy comes and gives me a tight hug, "You were amazing, you handled it all so well". The look in her deep blue eyes is startlingly intense, a look I'd only ever seen in my parents eyes. She was proud of me.

I stayed at their graves for hours crying, thinking about the thousands of moments I took for granted, mostly because I assumed there would be thousands more. After that I promised myself I would never cry again. There is nothing worse than this and nothing that deserves my tears. I wouldn't cry again, not ever, because that would be under minding how heart-wrenching it actually is to lose the only two people that have ever been there for you.

***

I packed my bag to leave, but found I didn't want to take anything I wanted a fresh start and I didn't want stupid things like a pair of jeans or a lamp to remind me of this. Of course I don't want to forget my parents, not ever, I just don't want to have the shadow of my old self follow me. I don't want people to know, because they would pity me and that is the last thing I want.

In the end I only end up packing underwear some necessities- you know toothbrush and things and a picture of all three of us smiling and having fun, not a posed one. I also raided my mum and dads room I took some of my mum's jewellery, including her wedding rings.

She had three rings she'd always keep on her finger and I felt awful when I asked the funeral planner to take then off her and not bury her with them on. I put them on a thin chain and fastened the chain around my neck. It will remind me of both of them and it will emphasize their love for each other and me. As sappy as it sounds it gives me enough closure to leave.

I take some of my dad's old shirts and leave; they smell of him a familiar smell I don't want to forget. I charge down stairs with only a small carry-on bag in my hands. Aunt Lucy eyes me wirily, "Is that all you want to take?" Now that I look at it again, it is a little inadequate for moving across the world. But I smile and nod anyway.

I had inherited all of my parent's belongings and savings. I wasn't allowed most of it until I was eighteen, however my dad's business partner was able to bend a few rules so that I was allowed an eighth of it to be put into my bank account now. And I am telling you that is a lot! My dad was a lawyer and my mum was a dentist and both of those are well paying jobs.

"Now you'll be able to do plenty of comfort shopping," she smiles as we leave the bank, "but do spend responsibly." she chuckles. I can't really find it in me to join her.

We then went to see my granddad who only just remembers me and it's awful. Since he got dementia my dad wouldn't let me see him, he said that it would be too painful if he wasn't to remember me. Thankfully he did. I explained where I was going and why but he didn't seem to understand, in the end I got shooed out by his care taker, who'd explain it to him again later.

We finally got to the plane and I was ready for this fresh start, I wasn't going to cry and I wasn't going to hold back. I am going to be the new and improved Holly O'Neil.

***

I had been to the Oaks house a hundred million times we would come every summer since they moved out here when I was thirteen. But this time was different I didn't have my parents but what I was most worried about was that they would look at me differently and that's not what I wanted. We turned the last corner and the taxi stopped at the bottom of their driveway. As the car came to a stop all of the boys burst out of the house with huge grins on their faces.

They were all so different Joel the oldest has lush golden hair like his mother and a sort of faded turquoise blue coloured eyes, and he had an all year round tan.

Then there was Kyle who is eleven months younger than Joel, meaning we are all in the same year. He has dark brown curly hair that fly's around in all directions, giving him that cute scruffy look.

And last of all there's Damien who is a mix between the two but oddly looks different in a way. He has dirty blonde hair that is bordering brunette and green eyes.

Aunt Lucy and I exit the taxi and I run over to the boys as she pays the driver. I hug them all in turn. Kyle is in what looks like pyjamas, Damien is in his baseball gear and Joel's just in a plain black top and jeans. It's so nice to be with people who are so familiar.

All my doubt fades away because they're all looking at me as they usually would, no pity. Joel explains to me that Kyle has the flu as he crawls back to his room. Chris is at work at the moment- he is their dad and he works a lot, he's an engineer and he loves his job to bits.

Joel shows me to my new bedroom, which has nothing but a bed inside. The windows don't even have curtains. I'm a bit shocked, I've gotta say I was in fact expecting curtains. "So what do you think Holly? Does it live up to your expectations?" he grins at me.

"Uh... I was sort of expecting curtains." I say feeling a little ungrateful, so I turn around and say, "It's great! But we will have to go shopping. I'm afraid I'm not really digging the whole plain wall plain floor thing" I laugh for the first time since the accident and it feels good, trust the oaks.

He chuckles, "Trust you to turn this into a shopping trip. You know its Friday afternoon, I'm sure I can think of better things to do with my time".

I grab his hand and pull him down stairs, "But you're going to come with me anyway." He moans as I drag him through the house. "It's not like I can take Kyle he's sick. So you're the lucky guy who has to stop me from getting lost." He chuckles again and grabs his sweater on the way out. Trust me I'm not this confident with everyone but the Oaks have always been my second family and now they are all the family I have so I am going to embrace it.