Finola Davidson graduated med school with full intentions to become a full time nurse, she soon realized it wasn't for her. So in the meantime she became a full time receptionist at the hospital she was going to be a resident at. Not even a month in...
trigger warning: talks of suicide June 20th, 2019 F i n o l a
It's been a week since the accident. I haven't been able to cope with the death of Ryan.
I'm having nightmares. He's in every one of them. Saying i should have been in his seat. I should have been the one to fall to the ground. I should have been the one to die. I shouldn't be here right now.
Buck somehow got my number. Not that I mind, he's an attractive guy, it's just kinda weird. He came over the other day to check on Braxton and I.
Braxton has been living with me, turns out his grandma has an extreme case of alzheimer's. She didn't even know who he was. Braxton's dad came and told the people at the scene he didn't want anything to do with the kid, and he saw him with me. So he told the paramedics I was his cousin and that he could stay with me. Not sure why they didn't check up on that but, here I am with a ten year old boy living in my house.
I don't mind. He keeps me sane, mostly.
Buck should be coming over anytime with Braxton, since he got out of school about 30 minutes ago. Buck has been a really big help with everything.
I visited him at the firehouse and all of the other first responders who were at the scene. I thanked them. I thanked them for risking their lives to save mine. To save Braxton's. We all cried, we hugged, and we all hung out for a bit.
I'm sitting at the kitchen table with my face in my hands when i heard the front door open.
"Finny!" I heard Brax running through the living room toward me.
"Hey brax" I smiled, pretending everything was okay. He gave me the biggest hug. "Why don't you go take a shower real quick, get it over with?"
"Okay," he said walking toward the hall "i'll be back"
"So what are you gonna do?" Buck asked me "About Braxton I mean"
"I don't know," i sighed running my fingers through my hair. "This is all so complicated"
"I know it is," he said "hey what's wrong?" he asked after noticing the tears in my eyes.
"I want out Buck," i started to cry "I can't do this anymore"
"You can't do what?" he asked as he lowered himself to be eye level to me.
"Live, Buck. I can't live anymore."
"Please don't say that," he said "I may not know you very well but i know you enough to know that you're an amazing person."
He continued, "you've been through so much shit these past few months, hell, the past few years. Don't beat yourself up because he died. There's nothing you could have done."
"I could have refused to ride. I could have pushed to get his seat checked" i said "Fuck, i deserve to die Buck"
"No you don't, okay?" he pulled me into a hug. We stayed there for a few minutes just rocking back and forth.
We were interrupted by his phone ringing.
"It's the firehouse, i gotta go okay? Please keep yourself safe," he said giving me one more hug. "Tell Braxton bye for me alright?"
"Okay, see you later"
I watched him jump into his jeep and drive away. I turn around and see all of Ryan's things scattered around the living room.
I walk to the kitchen and grab a trash bag and start stuffing everything i can into it. I fall to the floor in tears, thinking of him. I know i can live without him, but i don't know if i can live with myself.
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