Blurry is the Line Between Love and Lust: A Tears of Shame Novel [EDITING]

Chapter 22: Cat's Out of the Bag

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There are some pivotal plot points coming in the next chapters... so pay attention & if anyone is confused, let me know.

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Recap chap 21:

"I don't expect you to." I embraced him. "Thank you. You're a great friend." A better friend than I deserved. I rested my head on his shoulder while he comforted me.

It was all he could have done, and it was all I wanted.

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Chapter 22: Cat's Out of the Bag

Arianna POV

I had done everything I possibly could have to dissuade Xavier that night. I'd worn long, fuzzy pajamas instead of the short, silky night gowns I'd become accustomed to. I lay in bed and had pretended to be asleep. A faint snore or two escaped my lips in an effort to be convincing. I was a terrible actress, I always had been. He pressed himself against me gently, stroked my hair and kissed me lightly on the cheek. I stirred, acted groggy.

I hadn't wanted him to feel as though I'd rejected him. I couldn't have given him an explanation if I'd wanted to. The agony was too great and I needed to spare him the pain, anger and shame. I saved all of that for myself. I knew what he would have wanted. The physical pain was far too much for me to have endured him. He was very large and it would have been extremely painful. I couldn't have given in to him.

"I'm so tired." I announced, barely above a whisper. I hoped he would take the hint. I knew his desires would have threatened to overflow. I privately begged for mercy. Fate was merciful that night.

"Just sleep then,  I'll still be here in the morning. I love you." He whispered into my ear. His words were thoughtful and understanding. They were like daggers that deeply penetrated my chest. How could he have loved me? I was so broken and it semed that no matter what happened, I would never have been whole again.

In the morning, I forced myself to endure him. I privately held back the tears and pain, locked them in the place inside my head that held my 'dirty little secret'. I was ashamed, riddled with guilt. If he would have known what happened, he never would have had sex with me. It would have destroyed him, almost literally. He would have killed his brother instead. I couldn't have let that happen. The pain was mine alone and I shouldered it the best way I could have.

After I showered and washed away the guilt, again, I dressed in comfortable black pants and a teal top. I waited for him to question me. I knew he felt I had held something back. Our 'exchange' hadn't been the same. It lacked the passion and pleasure it had the first time. I hoped he hadn't thought too much of it, or hadn't cared to ask, but still I feared I would have been found out. I expected a heart wrenching confrontation, but it never came.

A month had passed. I had all but given up hope that Ronan would have returned. I knew he wouldn't have. He couldn't have faced me. I drove him to a terrible act, and I knew he must have hated himself. I had done the best I could have to hide my true feelings from Xavier. All the shame, pain and regret that once covered me heavily was only a thin sheen, a transparent veil that lightly touched my skin.

But, I knew he'd grown more suspicious as each day passed. Boughts of tears and depression were nearly impossible to fully hide from him. Zander comforted me. He was my partner in crime. He urged me to share my secret, but I repeatedly refused him.

"Arianna, I know there's something going on. I wish you would talk to me. Maybe I can help you." Xavier announced as he comforted me with his strong arms. I wished I'd stayed asleep that day. I wouldn't have had to lie. But I couldn't have confessed either.