FOOLS [2; CHRIS EVANS]

V.

FRANK
if you're trying to kill me then you're going to have to do more than this

MINNIE
frank I would NEVER

MINNIE
mainly because no one else will ever take me on as a client but also because I love and appreciate you soooooo much !

FRANK
what did you do

FRANK
jasmine clayton WHAT did you do TODAY

MINNIE
hey frankie boy, how would you feel about being a maid of honour ??

FRANK
you did not

MINNIE
you can bet your ASS we did !!

MINNIE

FRANK
I hate my job

MINNIE
frank, baby !! c'mon you LOVE this — we keep you on your toes !

FRANK
admittedly there's never a dull moment with you two around

FRANK
I'm very rarely bored

MINNIE
what can I say — we like to keep it interesting in this house

FRANK
that's certainly one way to describe it

FRANK
now can we please discuss the statement we're going to release so that I don't set our contract on fire and refuse to acknowledge your existence as my client, or a human being

MINNIE
sure !

FRANK
that was suspiciously easy

FRANK
what's the catch

MINNIE
I want you to use these exact words:

FRANK
oh dear lord give me strength

FRANK
here we go again

MINNIE
'Minnie Clayton IS pregnant!'

FRANK
we can't publish blatant lies we talked about this

MINNIE
I wasn't doNE YET

MINNIE
let me FINISH

FRANK
I'm not sure that i want to though ://

MINNIE
tough!! ((((:

MINNIE
and then in a much much smaller font that is almost impossible to see with the naked human eye, I would like it to say, 'with a FOOD BABY! created lovingly from the cake she consumed to celebrate her engagement to a stupid bearded sweater wearing dumb dork. Congrats to the hottest couple on the planet!'

FRANK
It's a no from me kiddo

FRANK
as much as I would love to ruin my professional career by putting that out there with my name attached to it, I'm gonna have to put my foot down

MINNIE
you're no fun anymore!

FRANK
I'd argue that I was never much fun to start with

MINNIE
what do you suggest then killjoy

FRANK
perhaps an official announcement about your engagement, short and sweet — perhaps just a photograph of the ring posted across both your and chris's social media platforms

MINNIE
can I at least post a funny caption

FRANK
let me know what you're thinking and we'll see if I approve it

MINNIE
there's no need

MINNIE
I can already see the face you'd pull

MINNIE
it's the one where you can see the will to live leaving your eyes

FRANK
how about no caption and you turn the comments off

MINNIE
disable my comments ?? have you mistaken me for a COWARD

FRANK
apparently so

FRANK
silly old me!

MINNIE
it's okay frank I forgive you don't worry

FRANK
oh thank goodness for that

FRANK
I would've cried myself to sleep otherwise

MINNIE
can I hashtag the engagement post #wifey4lifey

FRANK
can I start a new career

MINNIE
no

MINNIE
you'd miss me too much!

FRANK
oh yes, life of peace and quiet who? I only thrive off of the constant challenges that you and your husband to be present me with!

MINNIE
I kNEW it!

FRANK
I'm sure you did

FRANK
can I come around to see yourself and chris this afternoon to discuss this further, or should I just use the time to start to dig a big hole to bury myself in instead

MINNIE
wait is that a yes on the maid of honour question or —

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I imagine frank to have this incredibly deadpan Phil coulson-esque attitude to everything and I love him!