FOOLS [2; CHRIS EVANS]

XXV.

MINNIE
good morning & never forget:

CHRIS
sigh I'm not surprised

CHRIS
happy Valentine's Day to you, too

CHRIS
I hope you're enjoying the heartfelt card, dozen red roses, and homemade breakfast I left out for you before I left for set at 6am!!

MINNIE
I feel like that was a dig at me and ,,, tbh — not here for it

MINNIE
I'm growing a HUMAN for you, Chris

MINNIE
is the miracle of life not gift enough for you ??

CHRIS
I hate it when you pull this shit

CHRIS
I mean ,, HOW am I supposed to respond

MINNIE
probably with something like "Minnie, the love of my life, the most wonderful woman I know (joint first with my mother and sisters), the mother of my child, you are ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!! I love u sooooOOOOOo much that — you know what?! I'm gonna bring you nine more roses for you after work, one for every month you're going to carry our spawn"

MINNIE
followed my something along the lines of "💖💝💝💞💓💗💕💘💖💝💝💓💞"

MINNIE
and then maybe even "🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰" who KNOWS !!

CHRIS
I'm going to ignore the fact that you just referred to our precious baby as "spawn"

CHRIS
in fact, you know what? I'm actually going to ignore MOST of what you said just then because WHAT TF WAS THAT ??

MINNIE
I'm NEEDY, Chris u know this by now

CHRIS
hmm I'm not convinced

MINNIE
idk or ,,,, maybe ,,, perhaps ,,, just possibly ,,, potentially ,,,  all these stupid hormones have me feeling unbalanced and emotional and disguising it with my usual bullshit

MINNIE
gotta stay on brand™️ u know

CHRIS
this baby is really a pain in the ass like his mom, huh

MINNIE
idk he never stops moving EVEN when he's asleep so ,, he's certainly YOUR son

CHRIS
hell yeah he is !! That's mY BOY

MINNIE
give over u big fuckin loser

CHRIS
I just love u both so much sUE ME

MINNIE
i would but it'd be pointless 😪 I sue you, I sue myself — god damned joint bank accounts

CHRIS
that's right !! Ur stuck w me for life

MINNIE
b — because we have a joint bank account ??

CHRIS
yeah !!

MINNIE
so — not because we're married, then ?? just the bank account, huh?

CHRIS
well I mean maybe a little because of the whole marriage thing too

MINNIE
mostly the account though?

CHRIS
yeah, exactly

MINNIE
shut up, dumbass

MINNIE
I love u a whole bunch, I hope you know that

MINNIE
and I appreciate u more than ANYTHING else 😩💘💕💖💞💞💓💖💞💗💗💝

CHRIS
I'd sure hope so

MINNIE
CHRIS THAT'S NOT THE CORRECT RESPONSE

AUTHOR'S NOTE: not my best work but I wanted to give u something for v-day and I saw that card on twitter minus the names I hOW COULD I NOT