Journals | Shaylor

F o u r t e e n

I scampered into the restroom after I saw Johnson drying off Taylor's tears.

First off, why was he crying.

Secondly, why didn't he tell me.

Lastly, it should be me comforting him.

He came into the restroom right after I did. I was clueless. Maybe I should just confront him since we're here.

All he did was say stuff to avoid the situation and questions I was throwing.

When I started walking towards those two, I realized I needed to give up. Make space from Taylor and I.

Taylor and Johnson probably had a better friendship that I will never understand. They did know each other longer.

Fifth period, after lunch was awkward. I sat by Carter since I didn't see Taylor yet. I can't face him.

He came and I sat in silence. It turned out that I was sitting in his seat.

"Mendes' please move. That's Caniff's." the teacher commented. "Sorry I didn't tell you Shawn." Carter stated.

"No. I'll sit in the back." he offered then whispered, "alone."

-

After school I made sure to have a hard grip on Taylor. We can't keep avoiding each other since we had every class together.

"Want to tell me now?" I asked politely as we walked together out the school.

"It's not you. I...umm.. Jack." he was whimpering and I wasn't sure which Jack he meant.

"Gilinsky?" I asked.

"Yes. See before you came he always had all my friends. Don't get me wrong, he was my friend too but he started talking Jack away from me and now I see that you're getting attached with him as well." he vented and went on, "I don't want to loose another close friendship."

Without another word, I came in and gave him a big squeeze. In the middle of the street and I didn't care because I didn't want him feeling that way.

Eventually we moved away and started walking towards the bus. Prolonging the conversation, of course.

"I don't want you to think that. You will always be my friend Taylor." he smiled at my comment but I went on, "What if he sees it the same way as you do? Maybe he feels like your claiming Johnson too much so he's trying to gain my friendship?" I asked with a shrug.

Johnson and Taylor filled my mind with anger and raged my heart.

When we were in the bus I noticed that his head was failing. He was motionless, I guess he was asleep.

With the touch of the bus breaks, his head hit the window then leaned on mines as he started reaching his hand out putting it on my arm.

His head fit perfectly in between my shoulder and head. His warmth right aside to my neck.

I placed my lips his forehead tight and swiftly. Letting his hair fall to place.

In that moment, I started piecing things together.

Why did I crave him being by my side constantly? Why does he make me so raged when he's around other guys? Why do I gain these bubbly feelings whenever he makes a swift touch towards me? Why do I love the way he is with me?

All these 'why do' questions started making me feel, 'what if' and that's what end up running through my head.

What if Taylor gave me feelings? What if Taylor made me fall for him? What if I actually had a deep crush, slowly falling for this guy I barely met? What if Taylor and I got together? What if I told Taylor that I love him?

Do I actually mean all these things that I'm thinking?

No? I can't. I'm straight and that's the way my dad made me. Yet he told me that I don't need woman figures in my life. Am I supposed to grow alone with no love? I don't know how my dad is raising me but this is my sexual orientation and I should be able to love who I want.

And I think the one I love is Taylor Caniff.