Upside Down

Fourteen

Three rather uneventful days have passed since the fight that got me suspended. It is now Friday night and I am grounded so I will not be going out tonight even if I wanted to: which I don't.

I exit my bedroom for the first time since Tuesday and look at myself in the bathroom mirror after closing the door. At least my face is starting to look better. That's the only thing good that I have got going for me right now. Leigh landed some good hits and her sharp fingernails took off a lot of the skin on my cheeks.

I trace the wounds on my face lightly with my fingers, reimagining her fingers clawing at me.

I think it is safe to say that in that moment, it was the most scared I had ever been in my life. I couldn't breathe. I couldn't think. I was pretty sure she would have killed me if she had the chance to choke me for a little while longer. All I wanted was for her to leave Logan alone and for her to get off of me so I could breathe.

Yet, I'm the one being punished.

All my dad does anymore is yell at me. He's disappointed with how I have been acting lately. Honestly, him saying he is disappointed in me is worse than any punishment he could give me. It hurts more.

Hillary stares at me sadly as she passes by me. I think she's afraid to feel bad for me in fear of what my dad will say to her. But I can see it in her eyes. She's on my side. At least someone is.

I scared Tilly when I first came home after the fight. She thought I was a monster because of all the blood and cuts on my face. She wouldn't stop crying. I felt like a monster more than I probably looked like one.

Logan hasn't talked to me in three days. I think he's upset about the way I acted with Leigh. I don't blame him honestly. We acted like children. I just wish he would at least look at me so that I know he's not going to ignore me forever.

Tears force themselves into my eyes and I begin to sob. Why can't everything just go back to the way it was before? I was so happy then. Now, I don't even recognize the person I've become.

I want to punch the mirror for showing me lies.

But I don't.

I wouldn't punch the mirror even if I had fists made of rock. Because I know that it is not the mirrors fault for showing me what I am: a completely different person.

I am now the person I would desperately try to avoid if I met them in school. I am now the person who would bully rather than be bullied.

The person staring back at me in the reflective glass is no longer the person I want to be. She's not the person I ever imagined myself being and she's not a person I would ever find myself being friends with.

She's a monster.

She's rude.

She's disgusting.

She's not me.

I sink to the floor and continue crying. I can't control myself. I feel like I am a stranger in my own body.

"Avery is that you?" Summer asks through the door. "Are you okay?"

"No."

"Stay there! I'm going to get help." I shake my head as I hear the little girl run off. "MOM!" She yells at the top of her lungs. Oh god please no. Anyone but evil Hillary. Please.

A few minutes later into my breakdown, someone knocks softly at the door. "Go away!l Hillary!" I scream through my tears. There is no way I am going to sit here and let her watch me cry and try to parent me. No way.

"Avery? It's me. My mom isn't even home. I'm coming in." Logan says. "Summer sounds worried about you. She was screaming. What happened?" He asks, wearily peeking his hand away from his eyes to see me.

I stare at him with sorry eyes. "I hate myself. That's what happened." Saying the words out loud causes me to cry even harder.

"Avery, no." Logan squats down on the floor beside me. "Don't do this." He sits on the tile and wraps me up in his arms. "Don't say stuff like that." He holds me right. "Please don't say that ever again."

"I hate myself and everything I've become." I grab onto his shirt.

"Please stop saying that. You can't hate yourself." He strokes my hair, trying to comfort me and calm me down as I sob in his arms.

"I do."

He pulls away from me. "Look at me." He lifts my chin when I refuse to look anywhere other than the floor. His piercing eyes stare into my soul. "You've suffered a lot of trauma over the last two weeks. It's hard now but it'll get better. I promise it will. You just need to give it time."

"When?" I ask. "I feel like all that is happening is one loss after another. I lost my mom. She's dead. She's never coming back. I've lost my dad. I feel like he is a stranger to me now. All he cares about is you guys and Hillary. I've lost my perfect record at school and my sanity. And soon enough, I'll loose you too!"

Logan looks at me with tears in his eyes. I can tell that my words made it clear to him how much pain I am in.

"I don't know how to fix everything else but I do know that you'll never lose me Avery. I'll always be here."

"Really? Because you are sending me a lot of mixed messages here. One minute we are making out on your couch, having a great time. And the next you won't talk to me for three days after I fight with your ex-girlfriend!"

"I don't know what to say Avery. The whole thing with Leigh is a mess. I tried to tell you that." Logan sighs. "And I don't think it's fair how everything turned out. I just don't know what to do."

"Yeah well I don't know anymore either." I admit, wiping my tears. "I just know that seeing her all over you made me want to be sick."

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean I want you Logan. I want you to want me. Nobody else."

Authors note: do you think it's fair for Avery to call herself the victim? Why or why not?

What are your thoughts so far on how everything has played out? I love hearing your reactions! It makes me so happy when you guys get involved by commenting your thoughts, feelings, and predictions!

Another question: do you guys like the photos and gifs I add for you or are they just annoying? Am I adding too many or too little?