My Mistakes {Y.G.//J.M.}

fifth

mistake number 8. letting things flow by as if nothing was wrong.

yoongi and me had been living together for almost a year now. he was amazing; the boy would get up so early every morning to make me breakfast, ready so i could go to my dance studio and practice work. he created music at home, although he still had that part time job at the cafe.

i smile everytime i think of that moment when i saw him first. but it's a sad smile. hopeless smile. fake smile.

i woke up that saturday morning; still tired and rubbing my eyes so i would wake a bit more. i stumbled into the kitchen, yawning softly and smiling when i saw yoongi, making breakfast as usual.

it was summer, and the lighting from the sun was perfect against his milky skin and his newly-dyed chestnut coloured hair. i played with my oversized sleeves for a while before walking up behind him, wrapping my arms around his waist tightly and mumbling into his shoulder. "mornin..."

when he replied, i could tell he was smiling. "hi, sleepypants. we have a date planned today, okay? or do you have other things to do?"

"nope, i'm not busy. where are we going?"
"it's a secret."
"secret?"
"yep."

i hummed sleepily and nodded. seemed fine at the time. even made me happy. i didn't want to keep going on like this with him though.

even then, my heart still felt a tiny little ache somewhere. even when i was happy and felt loved, the pain was there, in the corner of my eye. mistake number 9 was not doing anything about it.

and so we went on with the morning as normal before leaving to go to the surprise place about 2 o'clock. i remember how perfect he looked then. he had styled his hair and wore a classy black shirt and cap, ripped jeans. it's amazing how clear everything is from that day, even now.

i can still smell his cologne, too. yoongi's smell. the way home smelt to me. it was all there when i hugged him or held his hand. i loved it.

he had told me we were going to picnic before he takes me to my surprise; and so, we did. we had a cute little blanket, set up on a green hill. from there, you could see almost everything. it was so beautiful.

we snacked on tiny sandwiches he had prepared and lots of gummy bears. we had lunch before, and so we didn't feel hungry enough to eat a proper meal.

isn't it amazing, how memories that are so small stick the most in your mind?

it was later now. at around 4 pmish, we were in his car, blasting out some random radio music that had turned on. i remember, whenever a song ended and we stopped singing, panting for air and laughing, yoongi would listen to the adverts and say things like, "oh yes, my favourite song!" or "i love this one, come one jiminnie! i'm sure we both know the words!".

despite this being a joke that would've been funny whilst i was in middle school, i laughed. i laughed so hard, my lungs were gasping for air each time i spoke. i laughed so hard, i was doubled up in my own happiness.

such a cheesy person, yoongi was. or is. i don't know how to call any of this anymore.

and then i saw were he had taken me.

it was the old cafe.

i hadn't personally been in there for a while, since all i was looking for from the tiny shop was the boy holding my hand at that moment we walked in. the boy i was proud to call my boyfriend.

as yoongi pushed open the doors, i was immediately hit with a strong smell of coffee beans and chocolate; we sat down at the same table we had sat down to, that day we had met in the purest white snow.

now, the sun was still shining weakly as the evening grew closer. but that wasn't the only thing that had changed.

yoongis hair.
the café decorations.
the little shop opposite the café.
people passing by, wearing different clothes to yesterday, or before yesterday, or before that.

but what had changed the most was me. mistake number 10 was not realising this quick enough.

we finished our iced toffee lattes, when i noticed yoongi had been staring at me with a small smile.

"hm? you okay, yoon?"
"'course. i want to take you to one more place today, okay?"
"sure!"

i smiled brightly, squeezing his hand, which had been laying slightly discarded on the checkered table cloth. he seemed nervous. could i not have noticed before?

we left the cafe, walking over to the park near our apartment. his hand was intertwined with mine, i could feel his sticky palm as i looked up at him.

he was so pretty. his pale skin was shining in the bleak sunlight. his soft, brown locks looking perfect even when they were messed up.

i could go on and on about yoongi even now. his small smirk. his goofy, gummy smile. his perfect frame. his deep eyes, always filled with such love and happiness when i stared into them.

he noticed me looking, and a small blush dusted his cheeks as he smiled. "what is it, jiminnie?"

"you're perfect."
"perfect?"
"yep. i've decided."
"i'm far from it, baby."

i didn't get to answer back to that; we had reached a small path of lit candles, shining in the dimmed sunlight. my eyes widened as i spoke softly. "isn't this pretty, yoongi?"

i heard him hum from beside me, and his deep voice mumbling. "go to the end of the path, jiminnie."

i blinked a bit, looking away from the candles and up at the brunette. "w-what?"

"i mean, there must be something pretty at the end if it's a nice path."
"oh. yeah, you're right, baby!"

i kissed his cheek gently as we walked up in between the lanes of candles. it was a surprise to me how not many people were there that time. thinking back, i might just have not noticed them; i was so focused on my boyfriend. on the beautiful pathway. on the suspense i could see he was holding in.

i think deep down, i knew what this was. and i was so scared. of myself mostly. i didn't want to let this go. it was so early still.

mistake number 11 was not speaking up.

we had reached the end of the path. yoongi had let go of my hand now, he stood behind me as i looked around for something at the end. "baby, there's nothing here-"

i turned to face him. he was wearing a bright smile. "but there is, jiminnie. there's you. you're the most beautiful thing at the end of the most beautiful path."

instead of blushing like usual at this compliment, my eyes began to search his as he stepped forward to me, a song suddenly playing. my favourite slow song. he remembered.

and he took me close, his hands sliding down to my waist as we danced, sighing out of content as we spun slowly.

and suddenly before i knew it, the song had ended. and we weren't dancing anymore.

yoongi was on one knee.

and i sobbed. i sobbed out of happiness. out of love. passion. but mostly, i sobbed out of sadness. i sobbed so hard.

i felt my heart break to tiny, tiny pieces, just like glass as he spoke in that sweet, deep voice of his. "will you marry me?"

and i sobbed harder as i fell on the floor next to him and held him close.

"yoongi... i cant."