farm boy // joshler

12

tyler's point of view

the next day, josh and i are forced into going to church with scott. he sits next to miss patty in the front, and josh and i sit next to each other in the back.

"are your parents religious?" he asks me in a whisper and i nod my head.

"yeah. we just don't typically go to church. we worship from home," i tell him. "which just means my parents read their bible in bed with a glass of wine and a highlighter."

"so are you religious then?"

"it's something i've struggled with for a long time. i guess i believe in god and heaven, but i'm not sure how 'saved' i am. i like boys and i don't like sports. i know that i'm sort of a cliche and it shouldn't be that big of a deal but i feel like i'm not... i'm not what everyone wants me to be. and that's hard," i open up to him about this, which is something i've never admitted to anyone other than the pages of my journal.

"if you believe, then you're saved. none of that stuff makes you a bad person, tyler." he takes my hand in his and squeezes, then lets it go.

"if i'm not accepted as i am, maybe i don't want to be saved. if god is real, then he made me this way. he wouldn't just make an abomination." i shake my head. "i told you, it's just something i struggle with."

"i'm sorry, tyler, really." he looks me in the eyes, but i can't decode the emotion hidden in his irises.

"as scott says, it ain't no thing but a chicken wing." i smile at him and he laughs quietly.

after church, scott drives us home, humming hymns the whole way.

when we finally get back to the farm, he makes himself a huge glass of iced tea. "i'm kind of nervous about tonight, boys."

"you'll do great, uncle scott." josh pats his back. "miss patty obviously likes you."

"you're right. i got this in the bag," he says, probably talking more to himself than either of us. "i'm gonna go feed the animals, then i'll probably shower and take a nap before my big date." he takes a huge swig of his tea and then sets the glass on the table before heading outside to feed his animals.

"so, we'll have the house to ourselves tonight. what should we do?" josh asks, leaving the kitchen to sit on the couch.

i feel my cheeks turn pink when my mind immediately goes to the gutter. "i, um, i don't know."

"we could dig out some of the old board games or card games. scott never wants to play with me." he picks up the remote and flips through a few channels before settling on some show i've never even heard of. "but until then, i think we should just chill and watch tv. you could write some too! finish that song you're working on so you can play it for me later."

i agree and run upstairs to grab my notebook, knowing i won't pay attention to the tv anyway. once i get it, i sit back down next to josh and start writing out some lyrics. church today brought my mood down a little, and getting my feelings out on paper always helps.

back and forth between being me and who you call me to be. you see a man free who thinks he has to buy a key to a door but he can't, cause hes poor and he can't fall down anymore cause he's already on the floor. and his heart is broken and all. and this is his call, but it's warm from crying cause he will try nine times to realize nine crimes. but he has more than nine lives, so he picks himself up and keeps climbing for the prize again.

i sigh and lean my head back to look at the ceiling. it's hard to grow up walking on eggshells. it's hard to hold my breath and bite my tongue when my parents ask why i don't have a girlfriend. it's hard to have to hide the pink in my closet with black and plaid and jerseys. the whole reason i'm here is because my dad had friends over without telling me and they saw me in my pink pajamas. he said i embarrassed him and i needed to change. he didn't just mean my clothes.

it's hard constantly pretending to be someone i'm not.

-

when scott leaves for his date, josh takes me back down to the basement to find the games. we pick monopoly, and i know before we open the box that we won't finish it.

"i want to be the dog," josh calls dibs on his piece and i laugh.

"whatever you want, dog breath."

"baby boy."

"yours is much more suggestive than mine." i blush a little and take my piece out of the box. "so it's really not fair."

"fair shmair." he shrugs and starts dividing the money.

"you can't say fair shmair. that makes me think you'll cheat." i double count my paper money just to be sure.

"i would never!" he winks at me and then hands me the dice. "ladies first."

"i'm not a lady. i'm a boy... i'm just-"

"a pretty boy."

"you think i'm pretty?"

"i think you're gorgeous, tyler."

-

halfway through the game, i get bored of it.

"jooooosh, i don't wanna play anymore," i groan, pulling my knees to my chest. i bury my face in my pajama pants, which are covered in flowers. "i'm boooored."

"fine, fine. i'll start cleaning up. but it's only seven thirty, so what else do you want to do?" he packs away all the game pieces fairly quickly and then his face lights up with an idea. "will you play me a song?"

"um... okay." i stand up from where i sat on the carpet of his bedroom and stretch my arms above my head. he pokes the small sliver of my stomach that shows when my shirt lifts up.

"c'mon, pretty boy. play me a song from that pretty mind of yours."

we walk downstairs and i bring my notebook down with me, flipping through it to find which song i should play while he puts up the game.

i find the song i was looking for and begin to sing.

it just hit me as i lay my head down. no one around in the dark cold night. i hear a sound in my head, repeat track of everything you've ever said. must be something, but it's nothing, so i just go back to bed. it's four. crack the door to the hallway in my dreams. but it seems my hallway keeps closing in on me, forcing me out, making me think about you and how you're gone. i see 4: 05 with teary eyes and then i write this song...

(an: tyler genuinely has one of the most beautifully creative minds ive ever had the privledge of experiencing. the fact that his music is only a small piece of what is in that head of his is so intrieging and im honored to hear it. i have so much love and respect for him.)