farm boy // joshler

20

tyler's point of view

i hold josh's hand tightly as we walk through the store, harsh florescent lights shining on us as we turn down the freezer isle.

i want to know what's on his mind and why he's acting the way he is, but i don't want to pry. his brain fascinates me, and i want to know my way around every nook and cranny, but all in his own time. he'll tell me when he's ready.

"step into your skin? i'd rather jump into your bones," matty healys lyrics ring through my mind and i resist the urge to sing out loud.

the record in my mind skips to a different song, and i zone out of the real world as it plays in my head.

"i've been watching you walk. i've been learning the way that you talk. the back of your head is at the front of my mind. soon i'll crack it open just to see what's inside your mind, inside your mind. maybe i will wait until you're fast asleep, dreaming things i have the right to see. maybe you are dreaming you're in love with me. the only option left is to look and see isnide your mind."

"tyler?" josh is standing in front of me, holding a tub of mint chocolate chip.

"huh?"

"guess we're both a bit out of it today, huh?" he smiles softly, understanding and then steps aside so i can see the ice cream in front of us. "i asked you what flavor you wanted, darling."

i nod and step forward, taking a tub of rocky road and then following him to the checkout.

once we're back in the car, i set the bag of ice cream by my feet and stare out the window as he drives. i try to stay grounded, but my thoughts pull me away once more, only freeing me once the car stops and turns off.

we walk into the house quietly and josh grabs us each a spoon. he walks with me up the stairs after that, and we both sit on his bed and eat our ice cream, making conversation to fill the quiet.

"uncle scott told me he felt better today. he'll start working again tomorrow," josh says, taking a particularly large bite of his food.

"yeah? that's good. i missed working with you." i lean my head on his shoulder and he hums.

"no, i think you just missed sneaking fresh strawberries when you think i'm not looking." he laughs a little and i swat his arm.

"hey, don't expose me like that." i shove a spoonful of ice cream in my mouth so i don't have to respond to whatever he says next.

"it's cute." he nudges my foot with his and then speaks again. "you're cute."

"no, i'm not. i'm not supposed to be cute. i'm supposed to be hot." i elbow him gently, setting my ice cream on his bedside table.

"why can't you be both?" he hands me his tub, silently asking if i'll set it aside with my own.

i set it on the side table and bring my knees to my chest. "that's not how it works."

"sure it is. even if it's not, then you must be an exception, because you are simultaneously adorable and sexy. i can't decide if i want to kiss your cheek or your neck, if i want to hold your hand or something else." his hand rests on top of my knee and slides down a little to grip my thigh lightly.

it shouldn't effect me as much as it does, but when i find myself letting out the smallest little whine, i blush.

"josh," i say his name quietly and he kisses my neck a few times. i want to scold him, to warn him how easily i bruise, but thinking of the way a hickey will look on my skin tomorrow over powers the possible embarrassment i'll face later on.

my hand flies up to grip his wrist. not because i want him to stop, but because i know it's too soon in our relationship to do anything like this. but with his hand touching me there, with his lips on my neck, time means nothing. in this moment i don't know if its been three weeks or three years. i only know that if it were up to me and my hormones, i'd let him do pretty much anything he wanted to me right now.

he stops after a moment, his hand leaving my leg completely. "i, um, sorry," he stutters through his apology and i shake my head.

"what? for what?" i look at him, my pupils dilated and my breath choppy.

"i, uh, got a little carried away." he huffs out an awkward laugh and i shift my body so i can kiss him once, warm and soft instead of hot and full of lust.

"you don't have to apologize."

after josh goes to bed, i lay awake in mine. my brain is unable to do anything else other than replay the events that occurred only an hour or so earlier.

i feel myself get hard again and sigh. sometimes i hate being a teenager. on nights like this, when i can't seem to think myself down, its actually almost painful.

i would feel weird touching myself though, in a house and bed that aren't mine. josh is in the room attached to mine and scott is only as far as the end of the hall.

i find myself wondering if josh has ever touched himself. i feel stupid for questioning it though. of course he has. he's also a teenage boy.

i picture it happening then: josh laying in bed naked, slightly sweaty. his eyes closed and his hand moving over himself.

or maybe he does it in the shower, letting the warm water run down his smooth skin.

i'd normally curse myself for slipping that far down the gutter, but my will power is nonexistent at this point and i feel my hand slide down my shirt, pausing at my waistband.

i take a deep breath and bite my lip as hard as i can, letting my hand slowly move further down until im gripping myself gently.

i cringe at how dry my hand is and pull it out of my shorts, looking around the room. i see a water bottle left on my bedside table from who knows when, and i pour just a bit onto my hand, ignoring the small fraction of liquid that spills onto the floor. better than nothing.

my hand goes back down my pants and my eyes squeeze closed again as my fist moves.

it feels so, so good to touch myself, and i know i won't last long due to how long it's been since ive done so.

i was right in assuming that. i don't last long, and i'm finished and asleep within the next twenty minutes.

(an: its hard dissociating and writing because ill lose my sense of self while simultaneously putting too much of myself and my experiences into it and not even realize)