farm boy // joshler

31

josh's point of view

every day since i sent everything away, i've been preventing anyone else from checking the mail. if and when i get a reply from the art school and the financial aid office, i don't need anyone else seeing it. i'll tell them when i know for sure.

it's a wednesday when i do get a letter from the school, eleven days before tyler leaves.

i open the envelope with shaking hands, my bedroom door locked and my blinds closed.

my eyes scan the paper, and my heartbeat quickens.

joshua dun,
congratulations! we are happy to tell you that you have been accepted. your financial aid information and next steps can be found on the next page. we look forward to seeing you this semester!

the biggest smile i've ever had spreads across my face, my eyes crinkling and tearing up.

i did it.

i hold the letter to my chest and sit on my bed, laying back.

my happiness however, quickly fades into a guilty form of anxiousness when i hear the sound of footsteps outside my door.

i quickly shove the letter in my bedside table drawer and take a deep breath, waiting for the knock i know is coming.

"j?" tylers soft voice comes through the wooden door between us and i stand up to open it, though i'd much rather hide.

"hey, ty." i smile weakly, hoping to whatever god exists that it's convincing enough.

looking into his eyes now, i can't imagine what they'd look like filled with tears after i tell him about the acceptance letter. whether they'd be happy or sad tears, i couldn't say.

"do you want lunch? i made some macaroni." he looks down at his shoes and then back at me, a small smile on his face as well.

"no, i'm good. thank you though." i take a quick glance down the hallway and then kiss him once i'm sure uncle scott isn't near. "i love you, tyler. don't forget that."

he blushes and his cheeks match the pink on his shirt. "i love you, too." he maintains the eye-contact, even though i'm sure it's difficult with his cheeks burning.

instead of going back downstairs, he steps past me to come inside my room. i shut the door behind him, turning around to face him now. he's sitting on my bed, playing with a string hanging off of the leggings he's wearing.

i feel slightly anxious, and i can tell he's a bit tense as well. i sit next to him and notice that his hands are shaking a little.

"hey, what's wrong?" i take his hands in mine and he shakes his head.

"i don't know. i shouldn't be nervous about kissing you. it's not like i haven't done it before," he pauses and swallows hard. "i guess i just want to make sure the last ones are good, you know?"

instead of replying, i put my hands on his cheeks and bring my lips to his, moving them slowly.

his hands find a way to my shoulders, resting there. he pulls away before i do though, pressing his forehead against mine.

"i shouldn't have worn leggings."

-

that night, i make a trip to the treehouse by myself.

i need time and space to think things over, my mind cloudy and racing.

i lay down on the floor of the small building, looking up at the night sky through cracks in the wooden boards.

i know i should tell tyler about the art school. but if i did, wouldn't it only hold him back? i want him to be able to experience his senior year the way i didn't get to, not just hung up on me.

besides that, how will i tell uncle scott? i'm not only his only employee, but i'm like a son to him. i'm his family, and i'm leaving. he'll be devastated.

i sigh, closing my eyes. things are too complicated for my tired brain and my even more tired heart to handle.

-

i'm buttoning my shirt in front of the mirror, a tie hanging untied around my neck.

i'm wearing black skinny jeans with my shirt, which is a dark red. my hair, which i took extra time to wash and comb, is still a bit messy, but there's not much time until we have to leave, so i figure it'll be fine.

once i'm finished buttoning my shirt, i tuck it in and tie my tie. i look over my appearance once more, and though i'm always at least a little self-conscious, i feel like i look okay.

i take a breath and run my hand through my hair a final time before leaving my room.

as soon as i step into the hallway, i bump into tyler. he stumbles backwards a bit, but i reach out and take his wrists in my hands so he doesn't fall.

i let my hands turn to hold his instead and smile at him. "you look nice."

he's wearing an older shirt of mine, a plain white one with jeans similar to mine.

"so do you." he blushes a little and then clears his throat. "but, i, um, don't know how to tie a tie." he holds out a red tie to me and bites his lip before speaking again. "do you mind?"

"of course not." i let go of his hands and take the tie, carefully tying it for him. "too tight?" i ask once i finish, moving my hands to rest on his shoulders. "is it okay?"

"perfect." his smile is soft and warm and home.

i shake my head, no time to be sentimental.

"alright. let's go."

we get to the dance at nine, which is coincedentally exactly how many days i have left with tyler.

we walk in, his hand not quite in mine but brushing against it every now and then.

the lights are slightly dimmed, and there's a few decorations here and there. it's simple, but it does look nice.

christian pop music plays through the speakers and there are teens standing around, some dancing, some sitting, and some snacking on chips and punch.

"so, this is it, huh?" tyler looks around slowly, taking everything in.

"yeah." i sigh and watch a few couples dancing. "i would ask you to dance, but i can't, for obvious reasons."

my heart sinks, and i feel sadness wash over me. we will never be accepted here, but i think we've both come to a certain peace with that.

"maybe we can dance." he turns to look at me. "come on." he takes my hand and pulls me out of the main room of the church, where the dance is being held. he leads me to the handicapped bathroom and looks around before tugging me in with him, shutting and locking the door behind us.

the music can still be heard from here, slightly muffled, but heard all the same.

a slower song comes on just in time, and he hold his hands out. "may i have this dance?"

i nod, too in awe and too in love to think up a real response.

his hands go to my shoulders and mine go to his hips. we sway slowly, our eyes locked.

"you look amazing, joshua." his eyes are shining with tears.

"you do too," i mumble, focused on the way his skin glows, even in the fluorescent light of this bathroom. he remains effortlessly gorgeous.

he leans forward and kisses me, and i feel a tear fall, the salty liquid sliding down his nose and onto our lips.

he pulls away then, wiping his eyes before anymore tears can spill out. "i'm sorry, josh. i-"

"i love you too."

(an: i hope it is implied that they chose that bathroom because there was more room for them to dance)