farm boy // joshler

17

josh's point of view

when dinner time rolls around, neither tyler or i speak much.

"what's wrong with you two?" uncle scott asks, never one to ignore an issue. he deals with everything head on (except his romantic interests obviously).

"nothing," i shrug and tyler purses his lips. i want to know what's on his mind but i don't want to ask.

"somethings up. y'all are being awfully quiet." he takes a bite of his chicken and then looks to tyler. "what's going on, joseph?"

"just thinking about august i guess," he answers honestly and quietly, moving his food with his fork but not taking a bite.

"already? that's like two months away, you dorks. you're gonna miss each other when he hasn't even left yet?" scott shakes his head. "eat your food, tyler. both of you quit moping."

tyler and i make eye contact and i smile a little at him. he smiles back and it eases the tension.

uncle scott is right. we should enjoy the time we have now instead of worrying about the inevitable end of the summer. we'll cross that bridge when we get to it.

after dinner, uncle scott says he's claiming the living room for a sports game of some sort, so tyler and i go out to my old treehouse.

"you should bring your paints with you next time," he suggests, laying on the floor and staring up at the sky through the gaps of wood in the ceiling.

the evening is still bright, and the cicadas are loud.

"i guess i could. i could paint the walls." i close my eyes now, sighing in content as a breeze blows through the walls.

"josh?"

i open my eyes again and turn to face him. "hm?"

he's still staring upwards and i wonder what's so serious now that he won't look at me. it's probably still the tension of the unavoidable end of summer that looms months away.

"are you going to replace me next summer?" his question is quiet and somber and he closes his eyes tightly, his eyebrows wrinkling.

"what? why would you think that?" i sit up and look down at him, hoping he'll open his eyes. he doesn't.

"if someone else comes to work on the farm next summer, or even in the fall, are you going to replace me with them?"

"tyler," i say his name and he finally opens his eyes, which are watery and sad. "come here." i open my arms and he sits up to sit on his knees and hug me tightly. "i'm not going to replace you."

the summer love phenomenon is not known to last longer than the season in its name, but i'm hopeful. i feel like there may be at least a little bit of a genuine connection between me and tyler. i just hope it's not one-sided. i don't think it is, but his insecurity rubs off on me. i find myself wondering if he'll replace me with some boy in his school. i don't mention it. i just hold him to me and close my eyes, trying to ignore the gnawing feeling in my chest.

"we still have two months." i take a breath to collect myself. "lets make the best of it."

when the sky starts to get dark, tyler and i head back to the house, our hands intertwined and swinging between us after we drop the horses off back in the stable.

we stop outside his bedroom and i kiss his forehead. "goodnight, tyler."

"goodnight." he smiles a little and disappears into his room.

i go into my own bedroom and lie down in my bed, kicking my shoes off and sliding my pants off after.

my mind swirls around thoughts of tyler, creating images of him holding hands with another boy and walking down a school hallway, kissing by lockers.

of the two types of jealousy, angry and sad, i'd have to say that i can't even find it in me to be angry about it. i don't feel the need to punch this other boy or grit my teeth. instead i feel a deep sadness in my gut, tugging at my lungs.

tyler is too pretty, too kind, and too funny to not find someone better at his high school. there are hundreds of people there, and more than one of them is bound to notice how amazing he is.

and they'll all be much better for him than me. they'll have real jobs instead of farm work. they'll be intelligent athletes while all i do is paint.

a part of me has always wanted to get back to the city. i could go to art school instead of selling vegetables for the rest of my life. but when i've been here for so long, when agriculture is what most of my family finds careers in, that dream seems so unattainable.

moving to the city wouldn't even secure my relationship with tyler. as much as i'd like to think it would, it wouldn't. my proximity wouldn't stop the boys in his school from hitting on him.

i attempt to push those thoughts out of my head. no need to worry now about the inevitability of later on. i'll bottle it up until august, or maybe even until i'm uncle scotts age. i'll have inhereted the farm by then, and this job will be my full time.

i try to tell myself to stop thinking about the future, to let it go and get to sleep, but my brain is relentless in its worries. i give up on sleep and stand, throwing some clothes on and tip-toeing down the stairs.

i go down to the basement and put a clean canvas onto my easel, pouring some paint onto my palette and letting myself zone out of reality and tune into the paint that i swirl around the white surface.

i don't pay attention to what i'm painting until my arm is tired and there's no white space left.

i step back and look at the picture. i've made a cityscape, with tall buildings and small neighborhoods with nice houses for the nice people inside.

tyler probably lives in one of them, and the boy he'll replace me with is next door, inside the house i painted with a rusty red roof.

(an: i actually really like this chapter??? anyway i haven't decided what will happen to ty and josh at the end of summer lol it'll be a surprise for all of us)