A Little Bit Of Light (Treebros - DEH)

Chapter 13

**mentions of suicide and drugs**

Connor POV

I want to text Evan back, but I don't know what to say. I know saying anything will help, but that's still hard. I opened it multiple times.

Evan:

Hey we haven't talked in a few days. I could have been more careful with
what I was saying, even though we didn't say much. I miss talking to you and
hugging you and it's been killing me trying to come up with something to
say. I don't know. I really miss you. :(

I didn't even try to answer. What's the point? I'd just fuck up and mess up the rest of the relationship. By the rest, I mean we broke somehow and I want to take the rest of the little pieces and sweep them up and make them into a mosaic or something. Something nice. Then I remember I suck at art, which means I'd suck at the mosaic metaphor, which means I can't do this.

Not even ten minutes later, I got a text from Jared.

Jared:

Dude wtf

I texted back because if things got ugly, I could easily just block Jared.

Evan, not so much.

Connor:
??

Jared:
you left him on bread, plus you haven't spoken to Evan in a week, and he's rly
upset. he's pretty much crying at this point

Jared:
*read lol

Connor:
ok I'm sorry and I feel fucking terrible, I really do, but if I try to say something or so something, I'll fuck it up ten times worse

Jared:
I'm glad your feeling sorry, but you need to do something. At least let him know your sorry

Connor:
you're*

Jared:
What fucking ever

Connor:
Ok could you just come over? It'll be easier to explain myself in person

Jared is typing...

𐄙

Jared POV

"Hey Ev, I gotta go. My mom wants me home for the new Riverdale episode."

"Oh um.. okay. Have fun."

"Uh thanks."

Jared:
Coming

I walked there because I didn't bring my bike to Evan's house. I'd call a cab or something but, again, ya boi's broke.

Cynthia opened the door. She's so sweet. She offered me food. I love her,,

I found Connor's room, knocked, and said, "Connor? It's ya boi."

"Hmmmrprh."

"I'll take that as a polite and clear 'come in!'"

I opened the door to find Connor wrapped up inside his blanket. Wrapped up is an understatement. It's literally just a ball of blanket with a Connor Murphy trapped inside. I doubt he can even move his arms or legs inside there.

"Connor?"

"What do you want?"

"Can you come out? You wanted to talk to me? Or was that a joke? Tone doesn't translate via text."

He poked his head out of the blanket ball. He looked like an egg. His eyes were red and swollen, his hair was a mess, he kept sniffling, and his voice was hoarse. "Great. Hi."

"You okay?"

He shook his head slightly, then tears instantly streamed down his face. The worst part of it was that it was completely silent. If I wasn't right next to him or paying close attention, I would just assume he was focused on something, the way he's looking down. It was hard to look at. I'd never seen Connor so vulnerable..so emotional..so broken.

He composed himself a bit, then muttered, "I may have been overreacting, thinking about wanting to die because of this. Well not just this, other stuff I'm dealing with too, but this.. This just hurts. I don't know. I didn't take any though."

"What?"

"Pills. Medicine. Something. A lot of it too." He gestured to an orange bottle sitting in an open drawer in his desk. "I thought about it. I was too scared."

"Oh." I'm not sure how to react. Connor Murphy called out to me, Mr. JK, for help.

*knock knock knock*

"Come in," I said triumphantly. Connor rolled his eyes, which caused another tear to fall.

His little sister, Zoe came in. She held up her phone and asked, "Connor, do you have Evan's instagram?"

"Duh. Why?"

"Can I have it?"

"Just look through the people I'm following. I don't have the energy for this."

"Whateve- Ooh I found him!" She tapped on her screen a few more times, then said, "What even is that on his story? You can't even read it. Huh. See ya."

She left. I whipped out my phone and pulled up Evan's story. It was one of those tiny rant paragraphs that you put in the corner of the screen so you get it off your chest, but no one reads it so your problem is still a secret. I screenshotted it and zoomed in. It worked a little bit.

Random vent nobody asked for:

I feel absolutely awful. Honestly, I just want to die. I've hurt people before, other times they've hurt me. I'm just broken right now. I barely feel anything right now. I'm not happy, I'm not sad. I'm not proud, I'm not anxious. I'm pretty numb. And that sucks. I can't tell if I'm okay again, or if I'm just used to being sad and hurt over little things I have control over but never fix. I'm so sorry to a few people I'm not going to name. I'm truly sorry if I've/I'll hurt you. I love you. Thanks.

Dammit. This was posted 13 minutes ago. I left Evan's house about 25 minutes ago.

I showed Connor and his eyes widened with every sentence he scanned. "Shit. Um ask what that means. Is he okay?? He doesn't sound okay, he sounds pretty serious. Jared, please."

"I'm typing. Calm your balls."

"I'm serious, Jared," Connor said, completely deadpan.

You replied to Evan Hansen's story:
Ev, what did that mean? Are you ok? If you need me over there, I can leave

Usually Evan replies to texts relatively quickly. He told me it's because he doesn't want the person to feel bad. He's so pure. I hope he's okay. He doesn't deserve to be upset like this.