Lilac

Chapter 11

Its thanksgiving break and Alex had to leave to Texas to visit some family for the holiday. It's been weird not spending time together but we FaceTime when we can. My family and Grace's family have been preparing for the big day, Grace and I have always had this tradition ever since we were little. We'd always help bake a pie or something but now that we are old enough to actually cook, we're in charge of the pie.

"So, pumpkin pie this year?" Grace asked

"Yeah, we can go to the store later this week to get the stuff, or we can go now if you want"

"We can go now, it'll be hell trying to go to the store later" She says which makes me laugh a bit

We're at the store going down the baking aisle looking for the things we need

"So how are things with Alex so far?" She asked as she looks for some cinnamon and other spices

"Good, he had to leave for the holidays to visit some family this week" I said

"Aww i'm sure he misses you"

"Yeah, I miss him" I say

Lately my mind wants to put me back into a place where I just want to breakdown, I get sad easily again. I don't know why it does this but I can't help it.

"It'll be okay Autumn, it's just a week, plus you have me so" She takes my hand in hers and brings me to another part of the store.

Later that day when Grace had left, I all of a sudden had a rush of complete sadness wash over me. This feeling is the worst, it's as if my brain tricks me into thinking such horrible things that I can't shut out.

'You're nothing'

'He doesn't really like you. It's all an act'

'Do you really think your friends love you'

'You're all alone.'

'You're ugly both inside and out, ha how did you even get him to even look at you'

'Wait till he sees what you've done to yourself'

I start crying and hurry to the restroom and run the shower so my mom wouldn't hear me

"Why can't this all go away? Why me! Why?" I cry

It's a cry where you feel your heartbreak, the burning in your throat. But you have to stay quiet enough to not worry anyone else.

I had hid the things I dreaded most but needed underneath my sink in a box, I had pulled them out and done what I shouldn't have.

It doesn't even hurt. It's as if i'm numb to it. But soon enough the burning sensation comes up and I have to clean myself up. I decided to just sulk in the shower and just let what just happen sink in.

I was doing so good.

Not good enough.

No one can know.

After I got out of the shower, I dried off and hurried to get clothes from in my room and go back into the bathroom.

I changed and decided I just wanted to sleep. Sleep it all off. Forget the sadness, at least hope.

----

It's the day before Thanksgiving, Grace is coming over to help with the pie. I made sure I wore something I didn't mind getting dirty.

I set out all the ingredients we needed onto the table, there was soon a knock on the door

"Grace is here!" Olivia exclaimed