Lonely,
So damn lonely.
I was lonely before,
nevertheless this
this is something new.
This longing,
it started with you.
It was brief
whatever IT was.
Still it was so damn fun-
invigorating
heart racing
I came undone.
No idea what you did to me.
You were just goofing off,
getting your kicks,
enjoying an uncomplicated
diversion from your
day to day norm.
Yet somehow your words
took me by storm
and they broke me.
I'm not talking broken
heart or broken
bones.
I'm talking something
profoundly intimate,
something deep
inside me.
It was like you, you alone,
broke through some
kind of dam that
held everything within me
in check.
As it broke, this torrent
of emotion
of attraction
of pent up longing
came spilling out
and made a rushing
gush towards you.
I couldn't help it.
Couldn't stop it.
Now I don't know
what to do.
For you, we were just a game,
an unfortunately
short lived game,
a distraction,
a break from the monotony,
an opportunity for a temporary high.
I knew this, but your words, they undid
me, created a cord
of attachment so
strong I am unable to
break or unravel it.
I am without you,
yet connected
to you.
My body races at your
invisible touch
at the thought of you.
The dam is broken.
I have no way to fix it.
In truth, part of me is glad
I feel like shit because
I can't have you.
Shouldn't want to,
but do.
I miss what
we had. It was foolish.
It was fleeting.
I pathetically thought
it was fucking amazing.
In my defense, it was the first time anybody
made a move on me
of any kind
in a long time.
Your seductive implications,
your lack of of hesitations
made me burst free
from my shell
and soar.
Now I'm left with nothing
but the memories.
You're still a part of my life
and I'm so desperately grateful for
even that tiny crumb; however,
that's what makes me
so damn pathetic.
You don't feel what I feel,
what I have no business feeling.
Not that I blame you
a bit.
Maybe I should want to
rebuild that wall inside.
Shore it back up
so I can try to pretend
it never broke
that we never spoke
that you never brought me
so much joy
and pleasure
inadvertently so much pain.
No, that's not fair-
to put that on
you.
That was all me.
I'm a big girl,
I knew what I was doing-
knew it was futile, couldn't
be more.
Still I took that
ephemeral bliss
over boring safety.
I chose you
and the delicious indulgence
that came with giving in.
Now I suffer the
consequences
deal with the ghosts
left behind
attempt to fabricate some kind of new normal
despite
the foolish aching loss I feel
every moment
of the day
because you are not
mine.
Never were
never will be
and I am broken.
-MS
