Depressed doesn't begin to cover it,
the way I feel right now.
Yeah...
It's familiar.
It's a place I seem to know quite well.
It's where I seem to live most days anymore.
It's my own personal hell.
I was here all the time,
until you crossed my path.
Then everything changed,
til this aftermath.
I knew getting in deep was a bad idea.
My head and my heart and my body they all argued though,
and common sense did not win.
I fell hard like a stone
into a depthless ocean.
I sank FAST.
Now, in a flash, I'm losing you
just like I've lost every other guy I've ever loved.
Boom.
That word.
That stupid mother flipping word.
Where did it come from?
Best buddies with infatuation and lust.
Is it even a word I can trust?
It may not be the same love as others,
yet this out of the blue
obsession confession probably freaks the shit out of you.
Me too.
My mind tells me not to stress it because it's temporary.
Just temporary.
You're not really going away,
but my heart says
"Fuck, I kinda love him. I shouldn't. I probably don't, not like 'love love',
but I can't be this invested and not feel something."
I shouldn't be looking at the knives
on the kitchen counter
and thinking about how much better this night could be
if I were to make one little cut here
and another there
to dull the pain- distract with a different kind of pain.
No, that shouldn't sound good.
And it does.
Maybe some of this heartache could spill out with my blood,
only a little- enough to make this night a bit less depressing.
I thought these days were finally
creeping behind me.
I found my smile again.
You did that.
I felt needed.
I felt wanted.
I didn't feel like His old pathetic cast off anymore.
I felt like me- the real me I hadn't seen in so long.
I hurt so bad inside.
My heart can't take it.
I never meant to give it to you.
Knew it was just for fun,
couldn't be,
and you'd unintentionally break it.
Knew I shouldn't set my hopes and dreams
on maybes and what ifs.
I don't blame you.
I know this wasn't what you wanted either,
though after that "L" word confession earlier you might secretly be glad.
I know it's idiotic on so many levels
for me to be bawling uncontrollably in my car
as I try to drive home and see through the pooling tears of despair.
I don't have any right to you,
but I don't regret you- us.
I'm sorry for the emotional vomit I spew.
Maybe count yourself lucky if this is an unexpected out for you.
I'm sorry for being so damn clingy,
but I'm head over heels for you.
You said you're deep in too,
so I won't touch the knife.
I promised you that before.
And while a lot of people in my life have broken their promises to me,
you never have.
So I won't mine to you.
I won't let the pain out by blade.
I'll let it out with this pen on this paper.
And I'll try to recall your words that you said-
this isn't good bye
or
the end- my paraphrase, of course.
I'll try to be grateful for what time we have,
to hold on to the moments that I pray will last.
I'll hope with all hope
that we make it through
cause damn it you've got me hooked
on you and this future of bliss that I know you want too.
I don't make connections
like I've made with you easily.
I don't fall so hard,
so fast,
and give in so crazily.
That's been all you and whatever you do to me,
which I still can't explain.
Lucky for me, so far you haven't wanted to complain.
However, I digress...
I also don't cave or give up that readily.
So I'm going to try to keep my chin up
and move forward steadily.
I hope it's not daft to hold on to hope itself.
I hope I'm not going to get hurt more this way.
You might now think that I'm mental,
screwy,
unhinged.
But it's like you're a new season of my favorite tv show
that I've just totally binged [on].
Now I don't know
what to do
with myself,
with all the free time.
And I'm lonely for you.
Except unlike my favorite tv show,
I can't even go back to reruns with you-
except in my mind.
Now I'll have to wait for a week in between episodes.
Where's the fun in that?
Okay, okay, there's plenty of fun in THAT-
just not in the waiting.
I've never said it,
but you have most certainly already noticed that
I AM NOT PATIENT.
And I was already putting all my patience,
what little I have,
towards waiting for something else.
You know what;
you've been waiting too.
Maybe this is life saying
"Quit while you're ahead."
But damn it,
I'm just too stubborn enough to say
"NO!"
Will you?
They say "good things come to those who wait."
So, I'll wait.
Will you?
-MS
*To those who make it through to the end of this travesty, thanks for reading. I know it's an absolute mess, quite possibly utter shit, and I don't care. I had to get these feelings out of me so I didn't explode. That said, I still hurt. The writing helped but it's not a miraculous remedy to cure me of all that haunts me. I fucking hate how bullshit life can be some times. I hate how fucking jacked up hearts and minds and relationships can be sometimes. I hate how my past has made me this detestable and forlorn creature when something like this happens and I just fall apart immediately without even considering all the angles and how to fix it. I'm so used to failing, to not being able to fix what needs fixing, to not being able to make things work that should work. I hate how helpless I feel. But I'm not going anywhere, so don't worry about me. Hopefully neither is the us, in whatever the fuck context we are to one another, that prompted this whole diatribe of pitiful angst.*
****To S, if this doesn't make you scream and run away grateful for the unexpected escape clause that fell into your lap, then I adore you even more. ❤️ 😂 You know where to find me. -Cat****
*Final P.S. to all readers, especially S, I know I made it sound like if he [you, S] didn't feel the same or whatever that I'd be okay with going through with breaking my promise and my skin. That's NOT what I meant. I would never want someone with me solely because they felt responsible for me in that way. That's unfair and unhealthy bullshit. No, definitely not what I was going for. I wasn't exactly thinking so much as just throwing words on the page, so I apologize if that's how I came across. I am responsible for my actions and no one else's involvement or lack there of will ever be making my choice for me.*
