The Switch / Shourtney

Chapter Three: Wild West II

Mid-June, 2017

It was a couple days later that it happened. We had already filmed 'Punishment Shoot Out', 'Wet and Wild Slide', and the belly flop competition. I was having a great time with my friends, filming was a good distraction. I got to act for the camera's, put on my big personality, block out my feelings, and use my humour to make people laugh. We had just finished dinner and everyone was by the fire pit, starting a camp fire. I was sitting in my room scrolling through my phone, I just needed a small break from all the chaos and people.

My heart missed a beat when I saw her post. I almost scrolled past it absentmindedly, and I desperately wish that I had.

Her hair and makeup were done, the way she would do it if we were going somewhere special. She was wearing that tight black dress that I always said made her look like Scarlet Johansson, and the earrings I had bought her two years ago for her birthday. She was grinning broadly with her arms wrapped tightly around Johnathan, her Ex. ""You have a place in my heart no one could ever have." -​ F. Scott Fitzgerald" read the caption.

I felt my throat start to close up and my heart pounded loudly in my ears. I needed air. I staggered to my feet and stumbled towards the door. I took deep breaths trying to calm down.

"Its ok Shayne, you're fine" I thought but the rest of my mind was screaming.

As I reached the door, my vison starting to go blurry, a blond figure bumped right into me.

"Oh hey Shayne, I was just coming to find- Oh my god are you ok??"

I tried to nod but I was concentrating too hard on breathing. I felt Courtney grab both my arms tightly.

"Come on, let's get you some water." Her voice was urgent and worried as she half guided, half dragged me to the bathroom and sat me down against the side of the tub. I brought my knees up and put my head down between them, trying to regain my composure as Courtney turned on the tap and filled up a cup.

She kneeled on the floor in front of me and put a hand on my shoulder. "Here, drink this".

We stayed in that position few a few minutes as I drank the water. It took me a couple of attempts before I got it down. Courtney took the cup from me and refilled it. She placed it in front of me on the floor and sat down next to me, her legs crossed in the pretzel position.

"Do you have panic attacks often?" She asked.

I shook my head. "This is pretty much a first, or a second I guess,".

"You want to tell me what's going on?" she asked tentatively, and I handed her my phone in response. It was still open to Dee's post.

I watched her take in the photo and then mouth the caption, her brows pinched together. "Oh God, I'm so sorry Shayne. That sucks."

I gave a noncommittal shrug; I was still concentrating on keeping my breathing in check. In-two, three, four. Out-two, three, four. I could feel the cool bathroom floor through my sock clad feet. I could also feel the worry radiating off of Courtney beside me.

"I'm sorry you saw that. I can't believe she would post it. What a dick move."

I picked my head up and looked over at her. She looked angry, but when she saw my face her expression softened. "Did you know?"

Did I? I sighed, "I guess I assumed it was partially about him. She was growing distant from me. I knew there was something wrong but I guess I didn't want to believe it. She mentioned a few weeks ago that she had run into him."

I paused. Courtney kept her eyes on mine and nodded encouragingly. I took a deep breath and continued. It felt good to actually talk about it.

"When we broke up, she said she hadn't cheated on me, but that she had wanted to. I guess I knew that she meant with him. I just didn't think she would rub it in my face so soon after." I hadn't told anyone that she had said that. Not Damien, not my brothers. Courtney's steady gaze gave me the courage to continue.

"I loved her Court, so much. Ya, sometimes things got tough but I thought she felt the same way. I just feel like a fucking idiot."

"Shayne, look at me." She put a hand up to the side of my face, her green eyes intense. 'You deserve so much better than that, and I'm so sorry it happened, but you are going to be fine. Things are going to get better, and you'll realize how much better off you are. But it's going to take time, and you can't keep this all bottled up." She smiled slightly, "no one is going to judge you for being human."

I nodded at her and pulled my gaze away. My breathing had returned to normal, and I was able to take another sip of water. "Thanks Courtney, I guess it just really hit me."

"Ya. Clearly." She grinned cheekily, and I shoved her good-naturedly.

"Ouch!" she laughed.

We sat next to each other in silence for a minute before Courtney stood up.

"Come on," She said, "I don't know about you, this tile floor is killing my ass. Let's go watched some TV or something".

I looked up at her, "Don't you want to go to the bonfire? You know you don't have to stay with me if you don't want to." I didn't want her to feel like I was a burden, or worse, a project.

She looked back at me like I was crazy. "Of course I want to hang out with you idiot, why would you even think that." She offered me a hand and I took it, standing up and following her into the main room.

We sat on my bed and put on some bad reality TV. She laughed and groaned at my jokes and did her own impressions of the characters that made me laugh so hard I cried. We ate popcorn that Damien had packed and swore that it would be our secret. We talked about Keith's cheating and Wes's ridiculous rap, and how we still had fur rash from falling off the bull. Courtney rested her head on my shoulder and I could feel my entire body shake when she laughed.

And I felt just a little bit more whole.