All of this past

Dear Haz

Dear Haz,

Thank you for replying to my letter. It got me that much needed ego-boost after finding the postcard earlier. Although I must admit it's a very lovely picture you're sending out to your fans, and I gave it a spot in the scrapbook I told you about. And I'm telling you that without even blushing, look at that.

How could I forget about that supposedly grey hair of yours? I never saw it in the first place, but you made me search for any others for over four hours that night. You vain little man. Or is it really only your fright of growing old that makes you dye your hair now? I don't think so.

I can't believe you still remember how I hate those horrible e-mail things, the kids always laugh at me when I'm writing a proper letter. They say I'm an old fashioned man for doing so. Well, whatever they say, I'm the one handing out their allowances so they know when to be nice again.

David loved me writing letters, he kept every single on of them in a shoe box on the attic. I never even knew he did until I finally found the courage to go up and sort through his stuff a few months ago. He was a lazy man himself, he did send me letters back, but he typed them, he hated his handwriting and he would always have excuses about me not being able to read it if he would write them himself. The only handwritten things I still have from him are our wedding vows and a shopping list he wrote me two weeks before he passed away. He wanted cereal and bananas, like always. 

It is a cliché hiding place under the stairs, isn't it? It is where Sam hides whenever he has done something wrong too. Takes after his dad I suppose. Knowing that you actually heard my sobbing that day makes me even more embarrassed about it, and more sorry that I didn't come out to face you. Would we've gotten back together if we had talked that night? Would we've been able to put our pride aside? I don't know Haz. I really don't. 

You were at that wedding that day? I've seen them. I drove to the church and parked across the street, probably wondering about the same things that you did. Another missed opportunity for us to meet. It's almost too crazy to believe. I arrived when the last few people entered the church, maybe you were one of them, and I drove off again when I saw the bride in her enormous white dress coming out. It was as if I only realised then that it wasn't our wedding day, not any more. 

It's good to hear that you have loved someone too, although I'm sorry it didn't work out in the end. I know how much you wanted children, and I can't blame you for that. I can say they are the best things that ever happened to me. When you get to hold that little bundle for the first time... it's magic. It was even better than our wedding day, and I can honestly say that was the best day I ever had, until Jude's birth. I couldn't wrap my mind around it that this little human being was now ours, and it was kind of scary how vulnerable she was. You don't even get used to that feeling the second or third time, it's just as bad. All that to say, I'm sorry you never got to experience that Haz, you too would've made a magnificent father, and I'm sure your kids would've been happy to have you home after another tour. 

How is that by the way? Touring the world, having girls and women, and I'm sure there's some guys too, fall in front of your feet, adoring you? Did you learn to like the attention? I mean, I remember you even hated it when my father was talking to you at the dinner table for more than a few minutes. You were never one to be in the center of attention, if I remember correctly. 

Talking about my father, your CD was on when he came for dinner a few weeks ago, and he actually noticed the music for once. He said he liked it, and he couldn't believe it when I told him it was you. I had to show him the actual CD case and the booklet before he wanted to believe me. I told him about your letter, and he wanted me to say hi to you. So, hi from my dad. He always loved you too, once you dared to speak to him, that is. Before he just thought you were a strange boy, but I suppose he felt the same about me, so that doesn't mean so much. 

How are your parents doing now? I felt a bit guilty about never saying goodbye properly. They have always been so supportive of our relationship and I always felt like I was their second son. Could you pass them the message, maybe? 

Turns out I was right about Jude's boyfriend. I should've ripped his head off the first time he showed up at our house after all. Apparently he asked her to some school prom, but dumped her the minute one of the 'sluttly cheerleaders' asked him out. And those were the words my daughter used, by the way. Seems like nothing much has changed in high school since we were there. Nothing as bad as seeing your own child heart broken, Haz, I swear. I always considered myself pretty good at comforting others, I mean, I have you to prove it after all, but Jude was just devastated. She always used to talk to David about these things. He was so much better at it than I am. I feel so lost without him sometimes Haz. When does that go away? When do you get used to being on your own again? When does it stop hurting to realise there's no coffee in the morning because he is dead? God, look at me, I'm crying again. No wonder the kids think I'm a nutcase. Good thing they still have David's family to go to when it all gets too overwhelming for me.

How did I end up talking about this again? This was ment to be a happy letter, not one about me and my grief. It's been almost  an entire year without him now, and it still hurts so much. I'm sorry I'm telling you all this, you shouldn't have to read this, it's not up to you to comfort me and help me through this. These letters were only ever meant to let you know that I still love you and maybe try to get our old friendship back, from a distance. I'll just keep it at this Harry, and I won't hold it against you if you rather forget all about me now and never write me back.

Love,

Li.

PS: Li is still your nickname too.