All of this past

Hanging on

I stared at the raindrops running down on my wildshield, the blurry streetlights shining through. I wasn't sure if it were my tears or the raindrops that were causing the lights to blur. What a night, or what a day might be more accurate.

I'd had so much fun with the four of them, I really enjoyed myself, and that's what made it even harder to have to go home at the end of the night.  The talk to Liam earlier had been hard, but very necessary. We had to talk it through at some time, and yes, maybe if we had done this 20 years before, we wouldn't have broken up, but I still remember how much I was doubting if it was really a good idea to marry my first and only boyfriend, so maybe that would've killed us anyway. 

I rubbed my face with my palms, wiping away the stream of tears that was still flowing down my cheeks. If I ever wanted to have another chance with Liam, I needed to be strong and hang in there. No matter how much I wanted to hold him, kiss him, stay with him. David was still very present in his life, and even more in his heart, and I didn't want to take his place, but I knew Liam would feel it that way if I acted on my feelings right now. So, I needed to tuck them away deeply and just enjoy every little sparkle of Liam and his family I got to see. I wiped my cheeks one last time and started the car again. I had only driven around the corner of his house, I was too blinded by my tears to drive any further, so I still had a 20 minute drive to go, if traffic would work with me, before I would arrive home. I changed from cd to radio, singing along to a few songs I vaguely recognised.

When I finally put my key into my frontdoor lock, I realised I was lucky it was quiet on the streets. My head was spinning with emotions, memories and just thoughts. I realised now I really never stopped loving Liam. He had always had an enormous place in my heart and somehow in my life, even when we didn't talk or see each other, he had been there. Like I had said before, every time I forgot to change the garbage bag I thought of Liam, and I missed him leaning against the kitchen counter in the morning when I woke up. I even missed him fussing about how I never cleaned up my used plates or how my shoes were all over the hallway instead of in their right place under the coat rack. I had buried all those feelings deep inside, but ever from that first letter they started to resurface, and by now they were just all over the place. They had been already on that night of the kiss, the kiss only making it worse, and never died down the slightest bit over those almost four months of us not speaking.

This last couple of days had been so much fun, spending time not only with Liam, but also with those three absolutely marvellous children of his. I loved them already. I loved Sam's cuteness, how he enjoyed every single second of his life and was torn between being his dad's little baby and being a big boy already. I loved Jude, how much she resembled her dad, from her wavy hair to her warm brown eyes, but also her sweet and caring character, although she did a good job hiding it when she went into full puberty-mode. And her sister Kate, she was wise and serious, much like Liam had been, and her looks were a big compliment to David's side of the family. She was the only one in the Payne family who had straight hair, and her dark brown locks combined with her light blue eyes made her into a stunning beauty. She was sure to break many hearts in a couple of years. And except for the fact that they were just great kids, I had to love them for how obviously they supported Liam and me to go out. I smiled at their blunt questions, and how sweet Kate had been, telling me I had their blessing if I ever went out with Liam. Again. Although they didn't know that bit. A chuckle escaped my lips when I remembered how obvious they had been tonight, faking yawns so Liam and I were left alone sooner than we had expected. Those two were little matchmakers in the making.

I let out a few curses when I walked into my bedroom, finding my window still open from earlier today. A small pool was forming on the floor underneath, I was just happy my bed wasn't there. I rushed over to close the window, shutting the wind out and gathered the papers that had been flying all over the room. They were mostly unimportant, but I could hardly leave them all over the floor. My sheets felt cold and moist when I slipped between them, causing me to shiver as goosebumps erupted all over my arms and legs. I sent Liam a quick text, telling him I got home safely, knowing he would be waiting for it and turned the lights off. A few minutes later, I was startled by my message-ringtone. I know, bad habit of not turning off my phone at night.

Bad traffic? Took you long enough! Or just getting old and driving slow? Thanks for today Haz. Love, Li

I. Am. Not. Old. Thank you very much. And thank you. I loved spending time with all of you. X Haz

Such an easy tease still, Styles. I'm sure the kids enjoyed it as well. Should see each other soon. Love, Li

Would love to. I'll call you in the next few days, kay? Night babe. X Haz

Babe? I'll be expecting your call hot shot. Sleept tight. Love, Li

Hot shot? haha, crazy man. Dream a little dream of me? ;) X Haz

Corny. Really turning off my phone now. Love, Li

I rolled on my back, enjoying the patterns formed by the moonlight shining throught the tree outside my window as the wind swept through its leafs. My stomach swarmed with butterflies, nothing much had changed since all those years ago. Liam James Payne still had a hold on my heart.