All of this past

Not a fairy tale

Dear Haz,

I do realise how stupid this is, but I want you to know what I'm about to write down in this letter, and I just know for sure I won't be able to talk about it in person. It's still too hard. We said I should tell you more about David next time, and I will certainly do so, but this bit... I can't get the words to leave my mouth. 

I do hope this letter will reach you before the barbecue next week. I'm really excited to see Gemma, and those kids of her you mentioned before. Ethan and Louise, right? Jude has been asking about Ethan ever since I told her they were going to be there. Maybe it's best if you warn him about her, because when she goes into flirt-mode... all hell breaks loose. Something a father doesn't want to see from his daughter, to be perfectly honest. She totally has that bit from David, by the way, I'm sure you remember I never was a very good flirt. Whenever someone didn't realise we were together and they started flirting with me, I'd just go beet red and mutter some incoherent words. If it weren't for David's perseverance and his flirting capacities, we'd probably never been together. 

And here I am again, stalling on what I actually wanted to write. I'll try to be coherent and as logical as I can, but please bare with me if I fail. I think it's the first time I'm telling the entire story to someone who wasn't there to witness at least part of it, but I'll try not to mess it up.

So here goes, the story of how David got sick and finally died.

David first started to feel unwell around June, but never paid much attention to it. I forced him to see our GP about it when it didn't get better after two weeks. He didn't make much out of it either, he had been a little bit feverish now and then, and had unusual headaches and his joints ached. The doctor said it was probably due to stress and tiredness, but it didn't get better with a few days off and some more sleep, so eventually he asked for a scan, one from his brain and one from his hips, as they hurt the most. He had them taken a few days before we left on holiday to Spain. It was such a great holiday Haz, we had so much fun. It was the first time in years that David and I had a room to ourselves, the kids next doors, but still... finally some privacy on holiday. Is it weird that I'm telling you this? If so, then sorry, I just want you to get a proper image of how things were at the time. We were so happy back then, just the two of us and our three lovely kids. I can't believe that's already three years ago. Sam was still so small, and Jude felt she was really grown up but in fact she was still a little girl. Kate was a bit less serious, I suppose. David being sick and finally dying really changed her. 

A few days after we returned, David got a call from the GP, asking him to come over when he had the chance, to discuss the scan results. Again, we didn't think much of it, because David had really been feeling better in Spain, so we just supposed it had been stress and tiredness after all. Little did we know we had just spent the last carefree weeks together. David made an appointment at the doctor's after work, I would go home and prepare the kids dinner, leaving some for him when he got home. He never got to eating it. He was ever so pale when he walked into the house, I learned a few minutes later that he had waited until everyone's bedtime had passed before coming home. He had been sitting in his parked car around the corner, waiting for 9 o'clock to arrive. I had missed him that day, it was one of the first days of work, and it always felt so strange to be without him again after spending days on end together. I ran into the hallway when I heard his keys in the lock, but stopped at the bottom of the stairs when I saw the look on his face. He was tanned from two weeks in the sun but still pale, and his eyes were bloodshot and just... empty. His smile was drained of joy when he took my hand and took me to the living room, telling me to sit down. He was so calm when he broke  the news, I think he was just too shocked to really feel anything. In those first months, he never cried. Not one single tear. At least not that I know of. The scan had shown multiple spots, both in his brains and in his hip. They weren't sure what they were, but certain was that they weren't supposed to be there, and that probably meant bad news.