of rants and poems.

flaws

I couldn't tell you that I'm the best person

Or that I'm proud of things I do

I can't tell you that I smile at the things I've said

And I can't tell you that I'm a good friend.

I will never say that I'm funny.

Or beautiful, or kind, or good.

You'll never hear anything bordering conceited

Because that's what I truly believe.

Everything I do might be good for a second,

But when I look back I cringe.

I hate everything I write and draw

And I hate that I am not sure how to love.

I hate the face that I scan in the mirror

And I hate my personality.

It's like a big dark shadow over my head,

One that keeps me in check.

One that brings up every single comment,

even misspoken words or meant-to-be-jokes

To make sure I think of myself as loveless.

And disgusting.

And make sure I can never see my flaws as beautiful, 

like you can in books and fantasies.

Make sure everything I do needs to be fixed

That I can never be satisfied with anything.

Then there's that one second

one fucking moment

I feel good.

And then it's ruined by my big scary shadow.

Or it's ruined by overthinking

Or it's ruined by your silence.

And my flaws kill me.

It's as if I can only see good in the people around me,

The ones who don't mean to hurt me,

(even if they do)

and instead of seeing all the bad in the world

I take it upon myself

To punish myself for the bad.

So I write my flaws and fuck-ups in blood

Even though some of the reasons I do so

Have never even existed.

And maybe someone cares

But the thoughts of

"They think I mean something."

and

"I should tell them they're hurting me."

Is drowned out by my big shadow

That says

"Don't make everything about you!"

"You're selfish and disgusting!"

"What is wrong with you!"

And I'm told to leave the 'self concious thing' behind

And to stop being an attention whore.

But I don't think you understand

That I see everything right with me

A wrong

And a mistake

And everything wrong

is something even worse.

Like I'm just one big

Scary,

Dark,

Shadow of flaws.