Because I love you.

Chapter Fourteen: Night pass

When Carrie comes back she comes with Noah, he reassures me that Jacob is fine and as healthy as he can be, all things considered, and that he talked him back into some sort of self care again.

"He is hurt." He says. "He won't talk about it but he is. But I think it just means that you guys really need each other. It will take some time but I know you'll be okay." He says.

"I don't think so, but I really just needed to know he was okay. And he is." I say, resting my head back and smiling. They smile and Carrie pipes up.

"Do they know when you'll be able to go home?" She asks cheerily, making the room lighter. I shrug a little and shake my head.

"They have to run some tests, make sure I am healing then a bit of rehab to make sure, it will probably be at least two weeks." I say. "But it depends; my experience is limited to England." I say with a small smile. They laugh a bit and Carrie holds my hand and sighs a small sigh.

"Will you be home for Christmas?" She asks. I bite my lip. Christmas is two weeks away, I didn't even think of it.

"I don't know." I say getting emotional. "I swore I would never have another Christmas in hospital, it's always so sad." I say. Carrie pushes some hair out of my face and I calm down.

"Well, we'll do whatever we can to get you better. We want your first Christmas with your family to be amazing." She says winking at Noah.

"Don't you want Christmas to be spent with your actual family?" I ask.

"Christmas starts at 6am and finishes at five because everyone's knocked out, it's a party so we always meet when it's over and give presents as our own family." Carrie says. "This year it's at my place." She says with a small smile. I smile and nod, looking down.

"I will try, can't promise I'll go but I'll try." I say. "But if Jacob can only go if I'm not there I won't." I say.

"That's his problem." Noah says. "Not yours." I shrug and take a deep breath before asking about it, knowing that being so emotional about Jacob won't help anything. Plus it makes Noah and especially Carrie happy. She talks for over an hour about it and what it's like to have two Christmas's, until they are asked to leave. They do come back every day with some others every now and again but after a week they get too busy which is okay, I understand. My grandma is convinced that I will be back in time so she also leaves to get the house ready, which leaves me with a lot of time with my mum. She can't come over because of her new job and because I won't let her, but we call all the time.

"The doctors say it will be soon when I can finally leave but I can't leave in time for Christmas." I say on the eve of Christmas Eve.

"Awe, sweetie I know it's sad but its America, it should be better than here, and I'm sure your friends will visit. Have you told anyone else yet?" She asks.

"No, I'll tell grandma when she gets back but I told the others that I will tell them on the day. I don't want to see them really, it would be too sad." I say.

"Well, when you are better, you can come and stay with me for a little while, you seem like you need it." She says.

"I will, as soon as I can. I need a break." I say. It is tiring being so... tired. It's a hard to describe. But all I know is that I need a hug, and other than Jacob's hugs hers make me feel the best.

"Well, just tell me when you find out more, I have to go to work my sweet." She says.

"Okay mum, I love you." I say, trying to sound cheery. She hangs up and I sigh, I lay on my side and I go back to sleep. I'm not over tired due to health, I'm just depressed, and I think the doctors know, so when I wake up they run some more tests to see how I really am physically.

"Okay, now we have to see how well you can walk." The nice nurse says. I nod and get up from bed. I hate moving but I walk around and down the hall a little with her and a doctor walking behind. I yawn quite a bit but when I get back to bed I can't sleep.

"We think you are doing well." The doctor says, straightening her lab coat and going through some notes in the chart. "We are going to give you a night pass for Christmas. We check you throughout the morning then after lunch you can go home and you come back the next morning. If all goes well you'll be home after a few days after." She says.

"Really?" I ask excitedly. She smiles and nods. I text everyone I can, now knowing I can see my friends it makes me want to. I hate being here. And seeing me awake makes the doctor happy. I just wish I was, but I can't be. Not without him. At least not yet.