Because I love you.

Chapter fifteen: Tests

I pass the tests quite easily. I still get tired easily so I am given crutches to use if I need them; I refuse to use a wheelchair so it's a fair compromise. The nurses all seem to be weary as I get picked up by my grandma, I mean, most probably thought due to all of my sleep I am not as strong as I am, but when I walk out of the hospital they stop staring.

"I always forget how good fresh air is." I say as we walk to the car. I take a deep breath and smile.

"It's too cold for my liking but I agree it's nice. But let's get you home for Christmas my lovely." She says. I smile and get in the car. The drive home is quiet; some old hymn style Christmas music plays quietly from the radio. Evan used to hate this music, but I love it. It's like the background music for the happy ending of a Christmas movie. It's not over happy, it just is the music that plays when things finally fall into place, and everything is right again.

"You look happier." My grandma says as we drive into the house. I smile as I see the lit up fountain.

"This is beautiful." I say. She smiles and we walk into the house. The whole house is covered in Christmas decorations, I can hardly recognise the rooms but it still feels like home, more so in fact.

"I left your room alone but yeah, this is the house now." She says as I smile and sigh happily.

"That's fine, do you think I could have a nap then we celebrate in an hour or so?" I ask.

"Of course, the food still has to be finished." She says. I smile and I walk upstairs. I am tired, but when I get to my door I freeze. What if he is there, by his window, I don't know what will happen if we see each other.

My tiredness overpowers my worry and I open the door. I slowly step in and I look out of the window. His blinds are closed. I take a deep breath and as I lay in my bed, I lower mine too, watching the view I love fade away.

I realise now why Jacob likes his blinds closed. I don't want mine open either. Not even the view is enough for me to risk seeing him. I just take solace in the fact that I know he is well and taking care of himself a little bit; it's just enough for me not to feel the need to have my blinds open to see if maybe I can check on him myself. My body is yearning for him. I want him with me and close to me but I know even if he did as he promised and didn't leave it would be painful, so the pain of even seeing him now I think would be too much.

The feeling fades when I go back down to celebrate with my grandma, we eat a relatively healthy Christmas dinner and video call my mum as we open presents. I only managed to get my grandma two before I got sick but I also managed to send something to my mum so I get to see her open a present from me too. I get a new phone and some jewellery from my grandma and a new laptop cover from my mum. I got my mum a digital picture frame so she doesn't have to have so many picture frames around her new apartment and I give my grandma a purse and some earrings.

After saying our goodbyes my grandma sets up the fire and it gets really wholesome, it makes me giddy. We have about two hours before I need to leave so we watch the Grinch. It used to creep me out but it has grown to be one of my favourite Christmas movies. The ending usually makes me happy, The Grinch is forgiven and accepted into the community, but this time it makes me sad. I don't really know why. I suppose it's because that's what I want; to be forgiven and accepted back into Jacob's life. But that won't happen.

After the movie is over I get ready for leaving the house. I do some light makeup and I get dressed comfortably and warmly. I get the presents I managed to get for everyone and I go to the car. My grandma drives me to Carrie's house while making kind conversation, trying to keep me distracted. I saw Jacob's car parked in his garage but he could have always just got a lift. When I get there though Carrie, Nat and Noah are waiting for me outside the house. I get out and say goodbye to my grandma before getting a string of warm hugs, I am quite tall but Noah is taller; not as tall as Jacob but for just a second I feel a bit more peace than from the other hugs. I really just need Jacob.

"We are chilling outside by the fire, is that okay?" Carrie asks.

"Yeah that's fine; as long as I can sit down." I say. She smiles and we walk to the back of her house. I see the fire with Adam and the twins sitting around it. They cheer as they see me and I am given the only chair that is not on a fancy log. It is surprisingly comfortable.

"So, would you like a smore?" Adam asks.

"What's that?" I ask. They all freeze and stare at me. I look around awkwardly before they quickly sandwich a toasted marshmallow in between chocolate then two biscuits. They pass the sticky mess to me then watch carefully as I slowly take my first bite. I chew and giggle as the sugar hits. They laugh at my reaction and we all talk and eat for a while. I lean back in my chair as I watch the others have fun and make jokes. It honestly is like a dream.

"Is that a new bracelet Nat?" I ask as I see the dainty chain on her wrist that I haven't seen before.

"Yeah, I got it today." She says awkwardly. Everyone else either stops talking or just talks quieter.

"What is it?" I ask as I sip my water.

"It's from Jacob." Adam says. "He's been and left before you came." He says, showing me the new watch he has on. I smile a little as a lump in my throat forms. I nod and finish my water, trying to swallow the lump down. I take a deep breath and as I look around I see the things that Jacob must have given to them.

"Well, that's expected isn't it, he's your friend. He'd want to get you presents." I say. They smile and we slowly start talking again. Once the awkwardness goes I start yawning and the message is clear that I'll probably have to go soon. Carrie says that it's time for our presents. We all take turns sharing our presents. I get a few books and some things that will keep me entertained while in bed. Its sweet, but I am last to give out my presents.

"We don't expect much with everything considered, so don't worry." Carrie says as she sees my nervousness.

"Believe me, I'm used to not being able to go out and find presents." I say. "It's just that you guys mean a lot so..." I say with a shrug. Carrie smiles and holds onto Noah. I get out the small bag and I take a deep breath. "You all said that we are a family and that's all I ever wanted out of a friendship, so I wanted to get us all something that we could keep forever that would remind us." I say and I pass the bag to Adam who is the closest to me. "They aren't meant for specific people so swap at will but they all have the word family engraved with the first letter of everyone's names. The last one is for Jacob." I say. "So if anyone sees him..." I say. I got a few plain jewellery pieces engraved so there are necklaces, rings and bracelets for whoever wants what.

"Lily it's amazing." Carrie says.

"You really are." Nat says. I smile and we all crowd around and do a group hug. I feel awkward, I feel so guilty, Jacob should be here. I take a deep breath and I push down the feeling. I deserve love too, and that's how I feel now; because I know I have friends that love me, even if he won't.

Carrie walks me back to where my grandma picks me up and she hands me a small box. She looks at me with concern so I stop walking.

"It's from Jacob. I thought it would be easier to open alone." She says. I smile and nod. She hugs me and I take a deep breath before getting in the car.

My grandma and I go almost instantly to our separate beds, she likes an early night so I go to my bed and I stare at the silver box. I put it on my bed side table and sleep. I can't open it, not yet.