Shadow // Peter Parker (Book 1)

Part 20

Song: 'Fix You' by Coldplay
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Peter POV

I sit on the cold, wet ground with my hood up outside Avengers tower, the rain pouring down on me. I'll probably end up getting sick, but I don't care. I don't care about anything anymore. All I feel is emptiness.

All I want is to talk to her. To see her eyes light up when she laughs, or wiggle her eyebrows when she's being sarcastic. One last time. I completely messed up everything, and now she's gone.

There's a whole bunch of doctors in there, examining the body, and I just couldn't bare to watch. She looked so pale and cold, but almost angelic.

So much has happened over the past month, so much it's felt like a whole year.

I keep seeing Ellie on that first day we met, she looked so nervous and cute. And then that day she told me about her mother, how she trusted me enough to open up to me. And then the kiss and Germany and the Flash stuff.........all these things we went through together.

She had a whole life full of success ahead of her, and I feel like I'm the one who stripped it away from her. If I didn't do the things I did, she would be sitting beside me right now, probably laughing at something stupid, and I would be able to smile back at her.

I would be able to hold her hand again, and maybe even tell her how I truly feel. But me being me, I have to screw up everything in my life. I feel like I'm a danger to everyone around me.

Just these thoughts alone are making me cry, no not cry, sob. And I'm not ashamed to admit it. The pain of her being gone is nothing like I've ever experienced.

It feels like a chunk of my heart has just been ripped out of my chest, and there's a gap left that can never be filled up again.

It starts to thunder now, the rain lashing down harder than ever.

I sit in the same position, unable to even make the slightest move.

It is my fault isn't it. Ellie, her father, and all those others are dead because of the stupid mistakes I made.

"Hey kid". I look up and see Tony Stark holding an umbrella. I look back down and pull my knees up to my chest, letting my head sink. I feel him crouch beside me.

"Mr. Stark, whatever type of talk you're planning on giving me, it's not gonna work. Just leave me alone" I scowl.

He doesn't move. He just sighs. "Listen, I know it's-" he begins but I cut him off.

"No you don't! You don't know! It's my fault she's gone! I loved her Mr. Stark. She would be here, happy and healthy, if I didn't mess up! You don't know how that feels! When you know you could have done better!" I yell, tears running down my already wet face.

He looks unimpressed. "Actually Peter, I do. I know that feeling better than anyone. How do think I feel after New York and Sokovia? Never mind all the other things that went on. In actual truth, YOU don't know the true feeling of knowing you messed up big time, and that hundreds, thousands, if not millions of people would be alive if you did better" he replies.

That put me in my place. I didn't even think of that. That was so selfish of me. "Sir I'm sorry I'm-" I ramble but he interrupts me.

"It's okay. You were grieving. Actually,
that's why I wanted to talk to you" he says softly. I wipe the tears from my face before he starts to speak.

"There's something I think you should see" he says quietly.

"No please Mr. Stark. I can't even try and look at her, not like that. I'm enough of a mess as it is" I plead, but he shakes his head.