realities of a broken soul | poetry

part one hundred-and-four

i wish you could understand me when i say
how i sit in the shower
and scrub my skin red raw with burning hot water
to try to remove any traces of them
to try to somehow
cover the feel of their hands on me
feeling
grabbing
reaching
dirty
i wish you could feel the pain i feel
when the air is ripped from my lungs
when my breathing turns rapid
and i can't think straight
when that knot forms in my throat
in my stomach
when i panic
because
he's here
he's here
he sees me
i wish you understood why i jumped back sometimes when you reached for me
when your hand grazed my skin
and i panicked
because for a moment it wasn't you
it was him
hands pushing
grabbing
pulling
and your touch
was not as kind and gentle as you meant it
because my mind assumed it was him
my mind assumed it was danger
because that's what it had been in the past
i wish you understood why i laid awake at nights
tossing and turning
curling myself up to try to keep their hands off me
even though i am alone
and there are no hands
but i can still feel them
reaching
feeling
yearning
their eyes
fiery
hungry
merciless
i hope you can understand that i realize they're gone
i realize i'm not in danger anymore
yet in the past that wasn't the case
so i'm sorry if my breathe catches sometimes when your hand grazes me
i'm sorry if i start rocking sometime because something pulled me into a flashback and i'm trying to calm down
i'm sorry if i'm cautious around anyone who gives me a bad gut feeling
because in the past
i've ignored them and they're led me astray

scratch all that
i wish you never had to understand what any of this is like
because this shit is fucking terrifying
this shit scars you on the inside
makes you unstable
overprotective
i hope you can never understand how this feels
because i do
and i wouldn't wish this pain on anyone.