Can Divit : "Erkenci Kus"/Early Bird

Can Divit, April 2001 : "Unfamilial"

My mom has been gone for three years and I have not seen her since that day on Emre's birthday! I haven't seen Emre since then either.... and I wonder how big he would've gotten and if he's missing me...... did he really mean to be so angry at me?

There's an occasional phone call from mom.... asking me how I'm doing and she always seems to be preoccupied or busy when she calls me. Even now I ask her if dad and her will get back together and she remains silent. Then I ask her if I can come to see her.... and she's silent on that as well!

I can almost go to sleep now without crying.... and it's very difficult to understand the situation.   It's becoming clear to me now that we will not be a family, ever again!  I wonder how my life went from being perfect... to this. Our parents have divvied up Emre & I between themselves. How are brothers supposed to be when we're not together? This can't be happening to us... but it is and I feel so lost and unable to fix it! 

I have Emin Hanim, our housekeeper and cook who takes care of me... I've never been thirsty or hungry. In fact, I spend so much time on the kitchen island doing homework, I've become her handy helper and she's teaching me to cook. She's a good lady, doesn't talk much but she knows exactly what I like to eat.  Ditto for getting ready for school, my clothes are always in order and I'm in a comfortable and clean bedroom.  Rifat Bey is her husband and they both live in the servant quarters nearby. He is the one that drives me to school, gets me supplies, takes me to swim, basketball and art classes.

After dinner is finished at 8, they both leave for the day.... and that's when I feel the silence and stillness of the house.  But this home is my castle and sanctuary... and I get relief hanging out on the deck and listening to the voices of Istanbul.  I often sit there and  sketch for hours on end. On most days, I leave home after they've gone and go the rocks by the bay.    The rocks make me feel good.... and I often talk to the sea, fish and birds.  I make wishes and send messages via the sea to my mom and Emre asking them, willing them to come back to us! 

I see dad every few days. He's plunged himself into the work at the agency... oftentimes I can't tell if he is coming home late and leaving early or not home at all.  My routine is set: wake up, school, extra curriculars, dinner, alone, rinse and repeat.  I did see dad last Sunday at breakfast and he looked a bit stressed and sad.  I've not dared to ask him about it.... we don't have that type of relationship. We did talk briefly and he asked me how school and other things were progressing.... he's seen my report cards I'm sure. I tell him I'm good and he gives me a slap on the back, a hug and leaves for the agency.

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It's one fine Saturday and Emin Hanim had promised to make me Belgian Waffles. I've woken up, freshened up and get to the kitchen.... following the awesome aroma of freshly cooked waffles. Surprise! Dad is at the kitchen island eating breakfast and we say hello to each other. It's my favorite.... Waffles with chocolate syrup and I start gobbling up the waffles. Dad, out of the blue, starts a conversation with me.

Dad : Can.... listen... I have to tell you something.
C : I stop mid-chew sensing something is wrong but listening intently.
Dad : Your mom has decided to divorce me...... and she's getting married to someone else!
C : I'm shell-shocked to say or ask anything....
Dad : I'm sorry about this son.... but it is what it is, we don't love each other anymore and it's the best for everyone!
C : ...still shell-shocked to say or ask anything.... and processing this new information.

Dad : It's me and you from here onward... we have to take care of each other. Okay?
C : ...still shell-shocked, but I shake my head in agreement!

Dad : And one more thing.... mom needs a place to live in Istanbul when she visits... so I'm giving this house to her. We will be moving to a great house closer to the city.... with a bigger pool and it has its own basketball and soccer court. You'll love it. Okay?

C : Now....I find my voice. "She wants the house.... but not me?.... I don't understand".

As I say the words, I see a fleeting look of desolation and pain on my dad's face. That look stops me stone cold...... he looks sad and terribly hurt by what I had just said to him. Note to self: I don't ever want him to have that look ever again!

C : Okay Dad, we will be fine.

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Over the next few months, we moved into a beautiful house in the city.  Like dad promised, it's big and beautiful.  But I don't hear the voices of Istanbul anymore.... and the silence is deafening!

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When I feel really alone, I runaway to our old house.... and hangout onthe deck.  Strange thing.... my mom wanted the house but it's been kept locked up for a few months now. The trees and weeds are starting to grow out.... and it's even more beautiful than it was before! Squirrels, cats, dogs and rabbits are living there now... and I like their company!

Oh and... I can't stand Belgian Waffles anymore!

Author's Note: This has been a cathartic story for me to write..... this is my story. One key difference, my mom died, she didn't make a choice to leave me.