"Just Friends"

Chapter 17

JULIE

I ran up to my room.
The door slammed shut behind me as I threw myself on the bed. My face was soaking wet from tears. I gasped for air as I tried to understand what just happened.

How could she do that? Why would she do that?

A shallow hole in my stomach ached my entire body. I didn't know how to feel.
I was in so much pain, yet I couldn't be mad at her even if I tried.
I had no idea what was going on with her, and even though I knew I didn't deserve to be treated the way she did; I hated myself for it. I'm supposed to know what's going on.

A knock on the door resounded in the room. I knew instantly it was my mom.
"Honey, is everything okay?" she asked from the hallway.
I didn't even bother answering. I didn't want to talk to her. Nor anyone. I just wanted to melt into this awful feeling for the rest of the day, hurting it out.

She was the last person I would want to talk to, anyway.
You don't just gain the right to be a mother because you suddenly remember you have two kids in the next room while you're fucking the boyfriend who won't leave them alone. That's not how it works.

Remembering the times I had let her in only deepened the hole in my chest, making me cry again.

I didn't stop crying, not for a second was I able to breathe.
It was the longest night in a very long time.
A familiar pain, though.
It really hurts to know that this is just the way it is for me.

When I woke up I didn't feel like doing anything. I had become one with the bed.

Mom let me skip school, and brought me some ice cream from the fridge. I put on Friends and was planning to watch the whole thing. However, during my probably favorite episode, the one where Monica and Chandler almost get married, the bell rang.

I growled. There was no one home.
Or in different words; I had to open the door for whoever decided now was the best time to come.

On the other side of the door, Sam was standing with hair the messiest I had ever seen it, and ice cream in hand. The friend reuniter.

Her eyes were blurred with mascara and had huge eye bags. She looked destroyed.
"I'm sorry?" she muttered, closing her lips into a sort of circle and raising a brow.
I chuckled. I wasn't even mad at her. I wanted to, of course, she had been a dick. But I just couldn't. I didn't even hesitate.
"Asshole," I called her. "You're lucky I love you too much to be mad at you."
She smirked.
I wrapped my arms around her and she held me tight.
"I love you too, Julie," she whispered into my neck. 

Fuck. That dig a hole in my guts.

Up to this day, it still amazes me how fucking in love with her I am.

*****

Monica jumped from the couch to Chandler's arms.

But I wasn't paying attention. I was playing Sam's words in my head like a broken record. 

I love you too, Julie.

I love you too, Julie.

I loved every bit of it.
It sound so sweet.
But also exciting, daring.

I loved the way she held me tight in her arms. How unexpected it came.
Her arms wrapped fast around my waist, practically holding me up in the air.
It made me feel so special. I loved what it meant: I can't live without you either.
I hated how it didn't mean the same as I did.

I glanced at her. She stared at the tv screen in excitement. Her eyes glowed.
My breathing was cut short.
Her freckles darkened the sides of her face. Blond hairs run down it, in no specific way. They drew curves and circles, imitating line art in her face.
Butterflies flustered my stomach. Their wings danced a tingly choreography, waking my every nerve.

She looked so oblivious. Still, I wondered, how could she not feel it too? This thing I felt so loud and clear?
It made no sense. A part of her had to know.

If you do, Sam, let me know.
Just turn around, give out a smile, and kiss me.
I promise I'll kiss you back.