"Just Friends"

Chapter 20

JULIE

I got out of the car I had just parked in front of my house and grabbed my keys from my backpack. Walked the short distance to the door and stuck the key inside, then opened the door. Once inside I dropped the backpack in the floor and called out: "I'm home!"
No one replied. Something inside me found relief with it.

On one hand, I really felt like I needed a night alone. No one to bother me, no thrill to make my emotions rollercoaster anymore.
I was emotionally exhausted. Everything had me flooding, and I didn't have the energy to do much anymore.
I didn't even bother to ask myself where Evan or Sam were, because truth be told I didn't care. At least not at the moment.

On the other hand, it was always a good surprise when mom and Bob weren't home. Well, actually not a surprise. Just good.
Really good.

I never wanted anything to do with that woman.
She never wanted to do anything to do with me; until she did, and that's not how it works.
You don't get to love me when your life is gone to shit and you find yourself drowning in boredom.
I deserve more than that, and I ain't settling anymore. I'm done settling, I have been for a long time.

Bob.
Bob is just a complete different kind of person.
He's not just a bad parent, what is something I could understand since he's not actually a parent. Not everyone needs to be one, and it's not entirely his fault my mom remembered she had kids. But that's not his problem.
He's just- I can't even think about it.
Being in the same room with him simply scares the shit out of me, and I hate him with all of my heart for it.

In reality, what bothers me the most is that he also treats Dylan like that.
You don't fucking mess with Dylan. That's just a no.
He's my baby brother, and I don't give a shit how dumb he's being; I have his back.

I grabbed a bowl of cereal and headed to my room.
Once inside, I took a look at my phone's screen, wondering what the notification I heard on the way upstairs was. It was Evan. Telling me something.
I didn't even bother to read the text, as soon as I saw his name in the white block I felt my stomach swirl.

Suddenly I was feeling sick, like I could throw up at any time.
My hands and legs slowly began to shake, even though I'm pretty sure they never actually trembled. The sensation was there, and maybe a slight shake too, but it was all just anxiety.
I tried focusing on my breathing. Five, four, seven.

I dropped my back on the bed, leaving the empty bowl on the side.
I gave myself time to ponder. I had to do something about Evan.
Otherwise, I would be having zero affective responsibility and I think that's bullshit.
We all need to grow up and start talking about our shit.
If you're not feeling found in a relationship, if you lost feelings, if you're thinking about someone else, if something they said hurt: you need to talk.
I needed to talk.

Guilt violated my emotions.
I should have been more thoughtful when I decided I wanted to start something with him. I should have considered my feelings for Sam.

How could I do that? I was the reason why someone would hurt, and never did I take my time to think about it.
I didn't really care. I was too caught in how he made me feel alive and important, that I didn't hesitate.
I should have.
I allowed him to fall in love, while I was aware that I would probably never love him the way I love her.
Damn, I was stupid.

*****

I'm sorry Evan.
I really am. You deserve better. So much better.
You deserve someone who can love you as much as you love.
Someone who knows that it's you, and that it will be you forever.
Someone who would die for you, because I know for a fact you would die for us.
Someone who writes poetry and love songs about you.
I can't give you that, because someone else makes me feel that way. But I can leave an open space in your life for someone who can.
I'm really gonna miss you, but I love you too much to stay with you even when I know you'll hurt.