"Just Friends"

Chapter 18

SAM
I went up to my room and sat on the bed.
I forced myself to think, knowing that what had happened at Julie's house was a big deal.
A big deal with big consequences, if I didn't think fast.

The thirst thing I had to do was find out why exactly I snapped the way I did.
I'm well aware that I'm jealous of Evan after that.
But agreeing with myself on a reason why was a different story.

It made sense that maybe I feared that my friendship with her was at risk.
The way she's become close with someone else maybe makes her question whether or not she wants to be close with me. However, the thing I love the most about our friendship is how stable it is. Even if she does give herself time to meditate on us, I have no anxiety towards our future.
I know she is more than just my best friend.
I know I'll get to see her in every stage of her life.
I've always looked forward to growing up with her. I never for a second wondered if I will, because I'm certain of it.
In other words, there's now way that's it.

I looked for other reasons, even if I knew that the answer was right in front of me. Hailey had been struggling to make me see it since we met. At last, I decided it was worth my time.

Do I have a crush on Julie?
Do I have a crush on Julie?

I got up and walked around my room repeating the question out loud.
"Do I have a crush on Julie?" A photo of us hang from the cardboard poster on my wall. We sat outside of school. I had my arms wrapped around her and she sweetly smiled at the camera.
It warmed me up. It gave me a rare kind of peace.
Man, she was so pretty.
I marveled at her lips. Her smile. Her hair. Her body. Her fashion style.

"So maybe I do have a crush on her..." I muttered.
I sighed on the verge of whatever this meant for me. For us.

How strong was my crush?
Was I just into her?
Did I have feelings for her?
A million questions followed.

How was I supposed to know?
There's no way to find out. Not like I could tell her. I just couldn't do that to her. It would mess her up.

Like, just picture it.
You have a boyfriend, who you are madly in love with and makes you extremely happy, and things are really working out between you two.
You also have a best friend. A best friend with whom your friendship is just extraordinarily close. You guys are so intimate with each other it straight up feels weird to call her a friend. She's a sister. She's another part of you.

And suddenly, this best friend of yours decides to tell you she has a crush on you.
She doesn't even know what said crush is.
She's not telling you she's in love with you and wants to be in a relationship.
She's simply telling you she has come across the thought that she has conflicted feelings towards you.
What the fuck are you supposed to do?

I just can't do that to her.
It's not like I want her to break up with Evan and start dating me.
I really don't know how I feel about her. And I don't see myself figuring it out anytime soon.

Also, it truly makes me glad to see her happy.
Even if it does kinda hurt seeing her with him, the second I realize what her smile means; that feeling fades.
I want what's best for her. Even if that's not me.
I hear her talk about her future with him, and it just brights me up.
It's not an excuse I'm giving myself to not be upset, I genuinely love that for her.
She deserves that and so much more.

I sat back down on the bed.

She was my best friend.
The thing about friendship; real, healthy friendship is that you want them to have a life that doesn't involve you.
I mean, you don't feel the need to be in every phase of their person, because you don't have that codependency. You have a life without them, and they have one without you.
And if you really want what's best for them, you want their life to be as great as they are.

Julie has so much shit going on. Her mom and that guy at home. Dylan. And she works so hard. She keeps pushing even when life puts up a wall.
That's one of the things I love the most about her. She's been through so much, and she still pops that smile that lights up everyone's world.
She might be feeling at her lowest, but she'll still be making you feel good.

Another thing I am more than grateful for is that she has always been there for me.
The happiest moments of my life, are stories we tell together.
The moments when I felt like I had no more stories to tell, she stood by me until I realized I did.
She always had my back.

Fifth grade.
Travis Backlemore had been picking on me the whole month.
He would call me names, and make fun of me in front of everyone.
Julie decided she had had enough.
She stood up to him, threatened him.
He then said he was only messing with me because he thought I was pretty.
Julie explained to him that's not the right way to approach a girl.
That very same day he came up to me, apologized, and with him went my first kiss.
When he cheated on me with Melissa Ruth a year later, Julie took up on her threat.
A black eye and a completely changed view on whether it is or not okay to cheat on your middle school girlfriend.
I have no idea what's of Travis' life. I just know that was the moment when I realized Julie was the best person in my life.

When my dad died, she stayed with me.
We spent an entire month of summer break inside my room.
I didn't have the strength to get up. She didn't have the will to leave me alone.
She insisted on making sure I was okay.

I can't believe I actually did that to her. I hurt her.
The one person who was always there for me, and I had hurt her because I was jealous of her boyfriend. I am the dumbest person alive.

I need to make things right.

*****

I decided to play some music. No one was home and I knew for a fact I wasn't getting any sleep.
The least I could do was keep myself busy and far from crying my eyes out.

After the first song, one Julie had been obsessed with came on. She had left it in the queue the other day. I savored the remaining taste of her presence in the song.

I need a little more luck than a little bit.
'Cause every time I get stuck the words wont fit.
And every time that I try I get tongue tied.
I need a little good luck to get me by..

I heard my frustration in the lyrics. As I was trying to make sense of my jealousy I ended up crushing the girl I loved the most. I felt so stupid.

I need a little more help than a little bit.
Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet.
'Cause every time that I try I get tongue tied.
I need a little good luck to get me by this time.

A cold tear grazed my cheek all the way to my lips. It was salty and nice. I giggled at the innocence of it.
I felt like a ten year old crying real tears for the first time.

When then song played it last note, I knew I needed to make sure Julie knew I was sorry.
She needed to know she was the most important thing in my life and that I would never intentionally do anything to jeopardize that.
When I knocked on her door the next day, with her favorite ice cream, the song didn't pay much success.

I had everything planned:
The friendship reuniter, from our first fight. When my dad took us to get ice cream and told us there's no friendship that ice cream can't fix.
Salted caramel had always been her favorite.
I would tell her everything. Of course, leaving out the feelings issue, specially since I had come at peace with it.
So what if I have feelings for my best friend? Of course I do, she's the best person I know.

Instead, all I could say was sorry.
"You're lucky I love you too much to be mad at you."
I giggled.
I tried to make that hug last. Something to remember when people ask me why it is I love her.
"I love you too, Julie," I whispered in her ear. Because I did. More than anything.