"Just Friends"

Chapter 27

JULIE

"Hey babe," Evan opened the door for me, with a shining smile echoing my surprise visit. "What are you doing here?"
He leaned in for a kiss, but I turned my head to the side so he'd only bring about a sloppy and doubtful peck on my cheek.
"What's wrong?" I dreaded said words.
"We need to talk," I managed to say.

The sound of a car's wheels on the street run over my head.
The air dumped on my face a cold sensation, which caught me up to the fact that my bare legs were shaking.
The air was high-strung and chilling.

He leaned on the door's frame and stared into my eyes with an awaiting look.
I could see he wasn't expecting me to break up with him. He really wasn't.
His eyes tried to read in me something like an apology or a doubt, or perhaps maybe an argument but not a breakup. Not a breakup.

"This will most probably feel sudden to you. Sudden, and unrehearsed and impulsive."
I could hear the words running out of my mouth in an unsteady shape.
I paused to let the air fill my lungs and give me some sort of patience.
"But I honestly don't think it is. But it is- it's hard;" my throat clogged, "and I can't find the words. It's really hard because you're just- you're amazing, Evan. You're the most amazing man I have ever known. You're smart, and you're kind, and you're loving, and you try, and you just- anyone would be lucky to be a part of your life."
His face expressed confusion. "What are you trying to say?"

I wasn't even sure.
What was I supposed to tell him?
My stepfather is abusive, I love my best friend more than you, and I don't want to hurt you, so I'd rather just cut myself out of your life?

"I'm a mess. I'm a giant, chaotic, unstable mess. You deserve someone who can know that even if their life is upside down, even if they're shaking and crying, or contemplating suicide; they're still gonna love you and put you first when the time comes."
His eyes were scanning me as if trying to find an explanation.
"I can't give you that. I have so many issues," my voice broke and tears just run down my face in a matter of seconds, "and problems, and stuff on my mind; that I really just can't give you what you deserve. You have so much to offer, and even if it breaks my heart, I don't have as much."
I stopped and caught my breath. It would stick to my nose and I felt the air run short.
"I am not willing to destroy you with me, Evan," the sentence came out steady, firm, sure. "I can't do that. Not when I can't assure it'll be worth it."

"Are you breaking up with me?" He asked blankly. I looked up and met with empty eyes.
"Yes," I mumbled. My breathing began to lose control and my tears were drowning me. "I'm sorry," I said once I could.
"It's okay."
"It is?"
"Yeah. I mean, it hurts. But, even though I really don't agree with the part where you don't have much to offer, I do think we have completely different issues we really can't help with, and at this point; we were just on the way to a breakup."
I swear I can feel my heart shrinking.

"Can we stay friends? I'll miss you."
"Uhm, I'm sorry Julie, but- I don't think I can be your friend right now. I can understand that this decision is for the best, but I can't fall out of love in a second."

It broke my heart to see how little he was hurt.
I was devastated. I couldn't breathe; and there he was, standing, breathing, and making decisions accordingly.
All I could think of was this hole in my chest.

"Okay. Bye."
I rushed out as fast as I could. All I wanted to do was cry my eyeballs out.

*****

The air was cutting short. It would come in through my nose and simply stop there and I could feel my chest hurting.
My shirt was pressing onto my ribs and movement was short, those few times the air gave in I didn't feel it strike because the shirt was too damn tight and it was choking me.
My thighs were tight inside the jean.
My hands were shaking and desperate to hit something.

On my left arm there was this tingle calling onto me, begging to feel pain.
My mind would play the image of my nails diving into the skin to the point where blood would glide, and no matter how much I told it to shut up, it didn't stop playing.
It was hunting me.

The need to hit something was ripping my insides, and the shirt was choking, and I had no air, and my legs hurt and everything felt slitted, and it hurt and I was fucking dying.

I grabbed my phone to call Sam.
I needed to see her and hug her, and just stay at home with her for an entire week. When I opened her contact I saw her photo.

Her blue eyes stood out from the black and white of the zebra hat. The black eyeliner made them seem so delicate, like they could break over a simple touch. Her freckles were dashed with pink blush and shaped her nose to a tiny, cute thing. And her lips were outstandingly rose and plump and beautiful and I was so madly in love with her that seeing her just broke me into a thousand pieces and once again; I was crying.
She was the love of my life and she would never be mine.

"Sam..." I said to the phone when she picked up.