His Name Is Mugen

Why He Could Never Love Me

He didn't talk to me much. He was avoiding me, not that I blamed him. I did disobey him after he continuously told me not to leave the safety of his house. It was for my own protection but I was careless. I was so arrogant and sure Tyson wouldn't defy Mugen by attempting to contact me.

I see now where such thoughts could get me.

Nonetheless, it hurt that he wouldn't even look at me. He did well to make sure I was fed and I was attended to. I had no complaints with his staff or with his brothers who tried their best to cheer me up.

But what I truly wanted-no needed-was for him to talk to me. Berate me, accuse me, yell at me, something. Anything. What I'd give to hear the sound of his voice. Maybe a snippet of his laughter. A clue that hinted he still cared.

I wanted to cry but I couldn't. I didn't have the right. It was my fault. I brought this onto myself and I brung him into a line a fire that could of gotten him killed. I was so ashamed.

I picked at my food with a frown. The cook, Helga, had purposely drew a happy face on my pancake to remind me life goes on and as it does, you learn to smile. But, the more I stared at this hideous circle that stared back at me, the more I realize it was laughing at me. Making a mockery of who I am and all the things I've done.

"-and then my sister, Falen,  jumped out and said 'gotcha' and my mom screamed so loud and snorted all her wine on Mrs. Henry." Neagan was going on about a Christmas party a few years ago.

"Oh." I could barely pay attention.

"My mom's choking like crazy and Mugen was standing closest to her so everyone was like 'help her' and then he just said while typing furiously on his phone, 'she'll be fine. Do you honestly think Jesus will allow someone die at his birthday party?'" Neagan mimicked Mugen's voice and threw his head back with laughter.

I hated to interrupt his recollection fest but I couldn't take it. If Mugen wanted me to leave then he should tell it to my face and if he won't see me then I'll go see him.

I got up from the table. "Sorry Neag, I have to go."

"What, why?" He pouted. "We haven't even got to the best part of the night. There's still when Ruben pushed my uncle down a flight of stairs, the cake caught on fire, my nonna pepper sprayed a fireman, and Falen getting so drunk and using the firetruck as a stripper pole. Ask me how!"

Somehow I expected their family to be........different. I don't know why but given Ruben and Mugen's personality, I assumed they'd be intimidating, respectable, and carried themselves with authority.

And then there was Neagan's personality as an outlier of the family.

"Some other time." I sighed. "Where's your oldest brother?"

Neagan's face visible fell and he casted his gaze to the side. He was hesitant and deliberately stalled in telling me. I knew it was because Mugen didn't want to see me.

"Well?" I pressed.

"I don't think it's a good idea to see him now. He's a bit.....off today." Neagan said slowly, trying to find the right words to say as if I'd burst into a set of sentimental tear.

"Today, yesterday, the day before, a week ago, if he's in that much distress should he not seek a therapist?" I snapped irritably.

"Sarasi." He had a soft smile. One that cruelly reminded me of my guilt and sins. I braced myself.

"Will he hit me?"

"God no!" Neagan was appalled I even asked.

"Then I'm going to see him anyway. If I have to enter every room and pound on every locked door, so be it." I meant every word and Neagan knew.