I have tried to write about this so many times in so many different ways but... none of them have felt right to me. I want to put all my emotions and feelings on a page. I use analogies and metaphors hoping to get my thoughts across in poetic ways. Hoping it would make people feel something. Hoping it would make me feel something. I have never been good with emotions or words. But it is so hard to say, that I am hurt and angry... disappointed, numb, tired, regretful, broken, lost, confused, alone.
I wish oh GOD do I wish every day that you would just talk to me, even if its to yell at me or call me dumb or anything just to know you actually once cared.
I feel cheated and lied to. Played like a fool, as if I was just another jester in your courts to entertain you, a pawn on your chessboard to use in your little game.
It's so hard to put the feeling of fuck you into writing. Even while typing this all out my blood boils and I want nothing more than to scream at you, to tell you I hate you. To slap you in the face for the shit you put me through... But I know it won't help. It won't fix a fucking thing. Because you don't care... you don't care about me, you never have. And. I'm sorry for having so much faith in you and faith in the thought that someone might actually give a damn about me.
so finally... After all this time I can say how I feel, and because of you what I feel. Is mistrust and hatred and numb. I was a fool to believe that you were different. That I was different...
So... with that. It ends.
