Some days I can sleep for 12 hours... Other days I just can't bring myself to eat a thing.
Why? I'm not really sure... My life isn't bad, I have no actual reason to feel the way I do... Yet I do.
I feel depressed, Alone, Sad, Scared... Not good enough. But I'm perfectly healthy, people tell me I'm pretty. I'm smart, I have people who care about me but I still feel. Bad.
I can't bring myself to ever ask for help because compared to other people... I don't think I have a problem. But I do. What is the problem I have exactly? I don't know... But I can now admit I have one... I sleep for 12 hours because then I don't have to feel like a disappointment to anyone... I starve so I can feel pretty. Cause that's what I think it takes to look good and to be wanted. All my life all I've ever wanted was to feel loved and like my feelings and I matter. But I figured I was unloveable when I was a kid and my father wanted to leave and no amount of my screaming and crying changed his mind... Grew up with fake friends which made me think who I was, wasn't good enough to be liked by anyone... Boys always went for my skinny "friends". So when a boy showed interest in me... I accepted him and his "affection" because I figured it would be my one and only chance of anyone wanting me. But the boy had his own set of flaws and proceeded to project them on to me which wasn't fair.. manipulated me, emotionally tormented me... took my desperation for granted. I let him do whatever he wanted to me because I was so afraid I'd never have anyone who would love me again. He was my only chance. I try to blame only him but I'm sure he just felt the same as I did which wasn't good. Things in that area only progressively got worse and I couldn't take it anymore. My mental health went down but I figured I was still fine because I wasn't like the people you hear about. I shut myself down fully. Didn't talk to anyone about anything. Being stuck in my head became too much so I found pain helped...Hunger Pains mostly. Gave me something to focus on other than my own thoughts. When I turned 18... I realized I could get all the attention I wanted if only I gave them what they wanted... So that began, Threw myself at any guy who showed the slightest attention and I lost myself trying to be what I thought someone else wanted...
Here I am 2 Yrs later and... I'm nowhere near better, in fact, I am worse...
3 AM... is when everything comes flooding back in and I realize. How F'd up I feel and am inside.
3 AM... Is when I realize I need help, but will I reach out for it?
No.. Because I'm afraid people will just tell me it's all in my head or I'm faking it for attention because My life is great I have no reason to feel this was. And that I'll get over it.
But I don't know how. I just feel stuck...
3 AM... and this is my confessional...
