Lies ‣‣ Soonhoon

4

Jihoon's POV

You can lean on me

Lie number 4.

He said I could come to him whenever I had problems. He said it was okay. He said I can always count on him; that he can be the shoulder I could cry on.

I believed him. I always went to him. I always ranted to him. I told my problems to him, and I also cried to him. He was the only person I had. The only person who understood me. But now he's gone; and I have nobody to tell my problems to anymore.

Flashback

I was sitting alone at the farthest corner of my classroom. I took out my notebook where I write my problems or whatever that's bothering me. I got a pen and started writing about how I was feeling. I continued writing without minding the person that sat beside me.

I was peacefully writing until the person grabbed my notebook. I looked at the person who was rude enough to snatch my notebook. I got surprised.

It was Soonyoung, and he was reading my notebook. Fuck.

"I want to die, I want to disappear, I wish I was never born, blah blah blah" Soonyoung said, reading aloud the things I wrote in my notebook.

"Soonyoung. Give me back my notebook." I said sternly while staring intently at him.

"Look, Jihoon. I don't know what's happening to you. You're writing about probable ways on how to die. There's such things as cutting and hanging yourself in here. I thought it was all fine? I thought you'd stop?" He asked me as he closed the notebook.

"You were wrong then, because you 'thought'. At first I convinced myself that everything will get better, that there's still many reasons to go on; but I realized I couldn't change myself and I couldn't make myself believe those. Even when you say things will get better, it wouldn't. It never will. I tried to believe, but now there's nothing that could make me hold on to the thought of believing everything gets better." I replied

"How many times have I told you that I am still here? That I can be the reason for you to go on? Do you doubt that too?" He said, almost tearing up. Ugh, I hate this. I hate seeing him cry. But what can I do? At this point my world is constantly falling apart and I can't think straight. It just feels so empty and blue.

"I thought you believed me when I told you it gets better. I thought--" before he could finish whatever he was to say, I cutted him off.

"Didn't you hear me? I said I did believe! But now? All those beliefs are gone! Nothing! There's no such thing as 'better' or that 'everything gets better'! I'm so tired of hearing that when it's not true! Now give me back my notebook and shut up. Don't ever disturb me again." I said while tears started to form in my eyes, tempting to fall.

"Hey, uhm, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad. Don't cry... I'm sorry. I know it gets hard, but you still have me okay? You can lean on me, no matter what. I want you to know that I'll never give up on you. I know you need someone, and even though you feel like there's no one left to hear you out, you always have me. Just go to me, and I'll be ready to listen to you.." Soonyoung said, slowly handing me back my notebook.

"If you need something, don't hesitate to come to me." He adds

End of flashback

I hate how memories still come to my head. I hate remembering them because it pains me more. It hurts knowing that those memories can never happen again, and that they only hold lies stuck in the past but are haunting me in the present. I couldn't fathom why I still get affected after all these years. Those memories coming back were always sudden. But in those fleeting moments that I remember them, it never failed to bring me down. Why do I keep remembering him anyway? Why him? And why do those memories replay in my mind? I hope he remembered me somehow too. I hope the thought of me crosses his mind sometimes, because memories of him always bother me.

I can't quite understand how I managed to live up till today. I'm still alive, surprisingly. I don't think it'll last though. Someday, I'll be gone. Someday. Maybe not today, but we never know, maybe tomorrow I'm up there already. I wish. I wish it was that easy to leave.

Sigh. Soonyoung, will you be happy to know I died?

Noteee
Another chapter yiehiee

I can't write lmao
And
I'm sad grrr