Lies ‣‣ Soonhoon

7

Ermm should I put a warning? Coz I'm gonna write about something not-so-good.. Uhh yeah just warning ya'll coz it might idk trigger someone?

Jihoon's POV

I'll never get tired of you

Lie number 7.

There is always a time when people around you get tired of you.

Soonyoung probably left me because he got tired of me. He got tired of dealing with me when I cry. He got tired of me because I was always sad; I was always not in the mood; I was always problematic. I bother him too much and I guess he was just so done with me. Who wouldn't get tired of someone like me? Everyone will and I'm actually tired of myself too.

I'm weak and worthless.

I always cried and it sucks to know I am like that. I can't be strong. No matter how much I tell myself to stop crying and be tough for atleast a brief moment, I really can't. Holding back those tears are very hard to do, so I let them fall; but I feel so weak when they come out. I feel bad for myself for being this way. I wish I could change this. I'd never want to be a crybaby or to be weak. I'd want not to care, so I don't get hurt; so hurtful things can't bring me down.

But it's harder than I thought it would be.

~

For once I'd be brave today.

Brave enough to do something that I know is stupid. Yeah I'm supposed to know it's bad, but I don't really care now.

I grabbed something from the table in my room. It was shiny to look at and it was sharp. I had 3 things in my table actually. I had scissors, a small knife, and a blade. I picked the small knife because I think it's sharper than the rest. I guess it's time to cut.

This isn't new. I've always cutted when I felt like it and when I feel down. I'm stupid and I know it. It's bad and I'm aware. But who am I to care? I don't give a fck.

I recalled painful memories. The times when I thought I was a burden. Times in the past when I cried a lot; times when I tried suiciding but failed; times when I ranted to Soonyoung; everything. I thought about things that made me feel bad. This is me; not wanting to be hurt but thinking of things that hurt me.

Tears started falling down again, and I wouldn't hold back, because what's the use? They're already falling, and I can't do anything about it anymore.

Once again, I stared at the shiny object in my right hand. It's my best friend. Guess it's time to make use of it now.

I slowly placed the knife above my wrist. It was already touching my skin, all I have to do is put pressure and make cuts.

Without hesitation, I harshly cutted myself and tears started rolling down faster. It was painful, but it's okay.

Blood rolled down my wrist and onto my clothes. I might seem crazy, but it was satisfying.

After making a cut, the knife went to my wrist again, and I made more cuts. It all had to bleed. I hate seeing blood but for some reason I was entertained seeing the blood flow out of my skin.

Thankfully I was alone. No one would see whatever I was doing and no one would hear my crying.

I reached out for my notebook, the one I wrote my "feelings" on or anything bothering me.

I opened it and turned to a clear page. I then started to write, not minding the blood coming from the cuts I just made.

May 15, 2018

I got news for you! Today I made new cuts on my skin. I guess I'm addicted to cutting now.. I'm alright though, just a few more months and my time here is over. Cutting isn't a way to solve my problems but I can't help it. I'm sorry.. It's okay right? It's not like anyone would care or notice :)) I'll be fine..

230 days and I'll be in peace.. That's still quite a lot though.. What if I make it quicker?

-jihoon

After writing, I took a glance at my wrist.

It was bleeding continuously . I got up and went to find some alcohol.

Once I found one, I went back to my room. I sat on the chair and closed my eyes. I started tilting the bottle of alcohol so its contents would reach my cuts.

I felt it get into my cuts and it hurt so bad. It hurts but it felt good.

I let myself get tired of crying until I felt the urge to stand up and clean myself.

After cleaning myself, I went straight to bed and lied down. I stared at the table beside me where the knife I used to cut was for a solid 5 minutes. I decided to sleep because everything that happened today was exhausting in a way.

I'm tired right now. Physically and emotionally. When can all these end? I'm so fcking tired.

Noteee
Sooooo yeah sorry about this chapter :<

I made Jihoon cut :<

Idk what to say about this so ye bye hahahaha