Must Be Love

Goodbye Kian

Trigger Warning!- This chapter contains depictions of suicide, if you aren't comfortable reading things like this then I suggest skipping to the next chapter.
Hayley
X

Rogers P.O.V
Kian had been gone for a while, for the first two days I assumed that his dad must have been fuming and hit the roof when he found out where Kian went (Kians dad thought I was a delinquent)

But four days, it was way too long for Kian to be off school sick, I got worried and called his dad, his dad told me Kian hadn't been home since Sunday night, the night after he had slept round mine.

I was ready to report Kian missing to the police, I got a mysterious letter from someone in the mail one day, it read Roger in a familiar cursive handwriting.

It was Kians, I took the letter up to my room and sat down on the end of my bed, with trembling hands and baited breath, I opened the letter.

Dear Roger,

Hey, it's me Kian, I know that when you receive this letter you'll have noticed that I've been missing for a few days now, I'm currently sitting underneath the big oak tree overlooking my neighbourhood, the same tree you told me you were gay under.

I know a lot of stuff is going to go down right now but there is something important I have to tell you, Its time for me to cut my life short and break free

I know that I seem like the kind of happy-go-lucky guy but I'm really not that kind of person, I didnt want to drain the positivity out of everyone in our friend group so, I kept it hidden.

I don't want people to remember me and weep tears of sorrow whenever they hear my name or see a picture of me, I only want to be at peace finally.

I want to see my mum, my family I want to be free, I want to be able to leave this cruel world behind and be able to touch the skies and fly like a bird, like you always dreamed of doing.

If you do receive this letter then please note that I would like my ashes to be scattered down the beach, at night time please, the pier that we went to last holiday.

The place that had that really fancy bar, Bembridge is it? Yeah, you know the one with the camping place, where Lawrence's mum owns the caravan.

Sorry I'm droning on again, never stop being yourself because other people don't want you to be different, fuck those people out of this world my gay boy.

Touch the Heavens, I'll see you soon.
Kian

I froze, holding the letter in my trembling hands, hot tears streaming down my cheeks, I burst out sobbing, crying my eyes out at the letter I had just read, Kians cursive handwriting being smudged from my tears.

Clare opened the door and pulled me into a tight hug "Roger what's wrong?" She asked "Kians gone! He's dead!" I screamed at her, shoving her hands away from me viciously.

I got to my feet and sprinted down the stairs, scooping up my car keys on the way and driving towards the back of Kians house, it was usually abandoned but today I saw flashing police sirens and people crowding the hill.

I pushed through them "Let me through!" I yelled at them, shoving them out of the way and ducking underneath the yellow police tape, there I saw Jackson, Sophie and Lawrence, each with their own letters in hand.

I saw at the top of the hill Kians body, laying lifeless and taut, slumped down against the tree, his eyes closed, his mouth fixed in a peaceful smile, his face was pale white, he wasnt the Kian we all knew, in his right hand he was holding something.

I opened it and saw a picture in it, it was of us, Me, Kian, Lawrence, Jackson and Sophie all at the pier last summer.

Kians smiling face haunted my mind that night, how only a few nights ago we were sleeping in the same house, how only a few nights ago I thought everything was fine, he was okay.

I got a phone call from Freddie.

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Hello?
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Hey Roger baby! Are you okay? I've heard about Kian
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Yeah yeah I'm fine, really
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No you aren't my darling, I'm coming over whether you like it or not
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Fine
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See you soon! Love you!
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I put down the phone and put my head in my hands, my sister was away at Gymnastics, my dad at work and my mum at my sister's tournament.

A few minutes later Freddie knocked at the door, I quickly pulled him into a heated kiss, he shut the door behind him with his foot and cupped my face with his hand.

I quickly reached down to undo his belt, I wasn't in the mood for fun and games, we made our way up to the bedroom, he threw me onto the bed aggressively and climbed on top of me.

I moaned as he slid his warm hands up my shirt, my body was so cold, it was almost a release just to feel his hands snaking their way up my torso.

I exhaled shakily as Freddie finally broke the kiss, memories of Kian filled my mind, how only a few days ago we were kissing on the couch.

Freddie sat back on his heels and undid his shirt revealing his muscular chest, I suddenly realised what we were doing, I couldn't do this, not after Kian.

"Freddie I can't" I whined, he looked a bit disappointed but who could blame him, he had come to my house, only for me to make him painfully hard and then to tell him that I couldn't please him.

He nodded "I understand" he did his shirt back up, it reminded me of Kian 'Ugh! Fuck off Kian you dick! Stop controlling my mind!' I tried to push the sight of Kians dead body out of my mind, the letter he wrote to me still propped up on my desk.

"You.. you should go" I said shakily to Freddie, he looked at me sadly but nodded, "Please don't do anything to yourself" Freddie begged on his way out, I shrugged and closed the door behind him.

After Freddie had left I read Kians letter over and over again, the same cursive handwriting, the same weird way he joined two letters, I broke down again.

He seemed so.. normal, just a friendly nice guy who made some funny and 'Inappropriate' jokes up, you would have never guessed he was depressed, he told me the scars on his arms were from tree branches or his dog Lola.

Oh shit, I promised Sophie and Kians dad that I would adopt Lola as soon as I moved into my new apartment, I needed to be a good pup dad, I needed to be there for Kians fur baby.

I dried my eyes and put the letter back in it's envelope, holding it close to me and humming Kians favrioute song (Blackbird by The Beatles) it was the same song his mum used to sing to him when he was little.

It made me feel like Kian was with me again..