Wordless Conversations // Phan (sequel to Bring Me Home)

51

Pj arrived at our apartment the next day when Emma was out at the shops.

He hugged Phil and I before stepping back and seeing my arms, face suddenly downcast and sorrowful.
"I'm sorry Dan, I should have known what you were doing."

"What?" Phil turned to me, face calm, but I could see he was trying hard to keep it steady.

"Oh, um. I had it all planned. Months in advance."

"Dan..." Phil's eyebrows furrowed, and a feeling of sickness burrowed it's way to my stomach as he continued.

"Do you know how lucky it was that I woke up that day. You were so close." I watched as he bit his lip and looked away, clearly hurting.
"Dan, if I hadn't woken up then..."

"I know!" my voice cut him off before he could finish his sentence, "I'm sorry! You'd been gone so long, I- I couldn't do it alone." It was my turn to avoid Phil's gaze.

"But you weren't alone!" Phil cried out, frustrated. "You have so many people who care about you, Dan! One day... I might not be here, and you need to promise me you will never try anything like that again! What if I had woken up to the news that you had killed yourself? Do you understand how stupid it is?"

"I'm sorry..." My voice was quiet compared to Phil's - almost inaudible.
"Don't be mad. I'm sorry.
I know I'm an idiot.
I know I'm selfish.
I know you deserve better."

I blinked as tears fell from my lashes, falling onto the space below. "Maybe without me you could get a boyfriend who isn't hopeless."

Phil's expression changed to one of hopeless sentiment, and he kept his eyes in contact with mine, his voice softer now.
"Dan, you're not hopeless.
No one else could fill your place.
Look... These past years were so good - you were so good."

He walked over to me and held my hands in his, still keeping eye contact.
"This is just a little blip, a stumble.
But you're going to be okay.
I'm here now.
You can talk to me.
You can get better."

Then I found myself falling into his arms, closing my eyes as I felt his arms wrap around me.

After a short silence, he spoke up again. His voice was calmer.

"Why did you choose your birthday?"

The question stopped me, and I hesitated as I thought.
"It was a day. I didn't think I'd make it that far to be honest. I just couldn't bare to be stuck with myself any longer. Grey got me worked up... they're very persuasive."

"Damn Grey." He sounded genuinely angry, and I felt his grip tighten around me. "They ruin everything."

"No." I looked up at him, my eyes ploughing through his anger, and I saw them melt as I spoke. "Grey is alright. Really. I need to stop running away from them. Grey is a part of me. I need to accept them."

I paused,
"And I want you to accept them, too."

All the while, Pj stood behind Phil, looking sad and shocked.

"Who's Grey?"