zentropy | mileven.

¹⁷⁾ some things cosmic

[JANE POV.]

❝ and though I may be getting older, know that I'm coming with you, know that I'm hanging onto the things that you said ! ❞

━ CHAPTER SEVENTEEN.

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WE SAT in our own silence, taking in the sounds of crisp leaves circling around us and the cracks of light that shone through the openings of the trees.

"you've been different, you know," he began, "distant, kind of."

"I know," I muttered admittedly, my shoulders slumping down and my grip on the tree bark growing tighter. "it's just- it's been hard for me lately, you know what I mean?"

"yeah, I know," he sighed, scratching his head, "I mean I would tell you to just forget about him, but, you know."
I cocked my head to the side in confusion.
"no- what?"
"you know."
"I don't know actually."

"it's like...it's the weirdest thing. when you talk about him, it's like you have this certain vulnerability in your voice that I never hear when you're talking about or to anyone else. it's like your whole demeanor just kind of... shifts. that means something."

"really?" I asked, "you think so?"
will nodded with his eyes closed in thought. "yeah, I'm pretty sure."

"here's the thing," I explained, "I know I should get over him. I know I have to. he's too different now- he has a girlfriend. and as much as I tell you and dustin and even myself that I've been trying to- I really haven't. it's like I secretly want to hold on to him, and what we used to have."

"I get that," will assured me, "but you're hurting yourself more than helping, you know?"
"I know," I scoffed, "it's like I know wholeheartedly how much this hurts me. but I also can't help myself from waiting."
"waiting?" will wondered out loud.
"like- I'm gonna sound crazy- but waiting for the day something, anything, could happen, you know? I sound insane, but sometimes I just think that one day someone will ring my doorbell and he'll be right there, standing in his own regret."
the bowl headed boy shook his head with a smile.
"what?" I asked him, nudging him in the arm.
"nothing," he grinned, "it's just...you're so idealistic."
"so I've been told," I muttered.

"so if you know so well just how much you won't end up together, why do you still try? or at least, still let him in?"

I let out a sigh of defeat. "I-I don't know, it's like- kind of like throughout all the chaos and craziness and whatever, and the fact that I know it'll never work out- we're both just still calm. still happy when it's just the two of us. like we've accepted that it just won't happen-but-but that's okay! you know? because we had what we had- and what we had was...it was good."

"I thought last time you guys spoke you were fighting-yelling- at each other about how you wouldn't talk to each other again," will brought up, causing my insides to churn. I remembered that day at the bleachers, and how hot my ears were, how white my knuckles had been stained with the anguish his words had caused me. but I'd regretted every second of it.

"you know better than anyone that if he wanted to come back I'd let him in a heartbeat."
will sighed in what seemed like disappointment.
"yeah, I know."

"so where are you now? in terms of with him, I mean."
I paused for a second in thought.

I didn't really know how to answer. my feelings and my status with mike seemed to be at this strange middle ground that I felt as thought I'd been placed in before- but never quite in the same circumstances. it seemed as though I were stuck, standing straight in the center of a hurricane, not being able to escape this one designated spot of confusion, frustration, and the like. and the rest seemed to just whirl past and around me- all of it: mike putting me in this place where I'd began to question everything, max being a figure in my life that I had no set label for, lucas leaving, will and dustin questioning my decisions. It seemed I was stuck in the middle of all the discombobulation and stretched out feelings- with absolutely no hope of stepping out of this spot without being swept up as well.