zentropy | mileven.

¹⁹⁾ white light doorway

[MIKE POV.]

❝ here I am in the flesh again, does this make you want to see me here again ! ❞

━ CHAPTER NINETEEN.

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MY MIND had been cloudy for so long.

each year it was something different:
the first encounter, the petty rivalries, the building and rebuilding. it was like with time, eventually all neurons and beams that shot back and forth in my brain and begun rusting and molding, slowing down the cogs that spun around in there with aging and confusion. I suppose that's what we all go through as one works through the early years in which your cerebral cortex has not fully formed, and is beginning to morph into what will be a fully matured brain. things usually have to get worst before they get better- right?

my relationship with max seemed to had dunked my head into a pit of sour and murky water, rushing past my eyelids and nostrils with a great force that disrupted all my senses. she used to be everything: the wave amongst droplets of rain, the forest fire amongst lit matches. the first person that I felt something so significant, so extraordinarily intensely for- she was...everything.

she still is everything.

my breathing became low and heavy as my vision flickered back and forth at the crevasses and corners of jane's faces. I watched as her body rose and fell with the beats of her soft and sleepy breaths, her eyelashes lingering closed against her skin and her mouth parted loosely.

what had I done?

coming to jane was like an instinctive decision that came to me almost like a reflex- a knee jerk reaction that sprung into my mind with the first kick that jolted me awake. but choosing to kiss her- my heartbeat quickened at the very thought- was a decision that was almost out of my control. it was like my body functioned on its own, and all I could do was sit back as if I were sitting in a dark theater alone and my line of sight were what was playing on the screen.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, mike. I tried to tell you, I tried to tell you so many times and I just- I just didn't know how."
"how long."
"what?"
"how long has this been going on?"
"a couple months now. listen, mike-"
"why?"
"I just- it just happened. listen, are you okay?"
"no."
"are you upset at me?"
"no."
"you look so...okay with this."
"I'm not. I'm angry."
"at me?"
"I could never be."

the conversation rushed back into my brain and the feelings and emotions that had cluttered my system once again spread throughout each bone in my body. I shut my eyes tight and felt the familiar pounding beating through my temples, wiring itself into my nerves and throbbing in rhythm.

everything confused me. nothing seemed real.
but I still loved max. I knew that much.

as my eyes remained shut, images of her smiles and laughter leapt across the stage. her touch- her scent- it was all so familiar. she whirled around in the spotlight, millions of bright colored lights painting her porcelain skin as the dancers that encircled her carried each of their memories of us. with every twist and turn, I felt my heart draw back and forth with the movement, my feelings being personified into the commotion that was laid out beautifully in front of me. she seemed so present, so close: like she was right there in front of me-

my fingers had landed on what I knew to be jane's skin. and suddenly- the spotlight shifted, and max, and all of the images of her that danced along the stage and all the feelings that came with it flickered to darkness. and then flickered back on:
to which the figure of jane emerged.

she smiled at me. and then she shook her head with a subtle chuckle trailing out of her lips, her eyes whisking back up at me as if she knew something that I didn't.

I sat there in the front row, the lights causing my vision to darken and focus only in on her- her eye contact reaching into me and pulling me more and more into her grasp.

she stood alone on that stage. nothing around her, no colorful lights or bright dancers of memories and feelings; no fancy tricks or gimmicks- just her.

and then, with a smile still hanging onto her lips, sparkles of tears started spilling from her eyes. but her happiness remained genuine- and her eyes told me that she was relieved to see me.

"mike," she uttered, her eyebrows furrowing in a heartfelt wash of happy tears that began splattering onto the stage.

"jane- I don't understand," I called out to her, "I don't understand anything. I'm so fucking confused-on what to do, what I feel-"

"I know." she scoffed through tears, her smile still trying its best to remain on her now faltering face. "you've always been that way."

"been like what?" I questioned, cocking my head to the side.

"confused all the time, you 'fuckin idiot," she laughed, which sent a chuckle out of my own mouth.

"what do I do?" I questioned again, the atmosphere around us seemingly pulling the stage and the empty seats closer and closer. It was like the earth was shifting, and the ground that we stood on began clashing towards one another, slowly bringing us together. until she was standing directly in front of me.

"it's okay. it'll be okay."

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my eyelids shot open to jane's face hanging above mine with concern drifting past her features.

"it's okay, it'll be okay," she repeated, her voice faltering in volume at the ends.
I sat up slowly as she reacted backwards, backing off of me and letting me sit up straight.

"what?" I asked groggily, my vision adjusting to the dim lights surrounding us.
"you were having a nightmare or something," she explained, looking at me tentatively, her fingers reaching towards my own.

almost instinctively, I pulled my hand back from hers, earning a confused and hesitant look from jane.

"what?" she asked me quietly, her fingers drawing back to her body and fiddling with one another nervously.

"we need to talk."

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hello everybody! I'm back!!
sorry this is such a short chapter, I just wrote it today when I was supposed to be doing my homework, oops. Disregard any grammar or spelling errors lol
I hope you like this update- sorry it's kind of confusing and also short but I actually don't hate it too much.

I'll be updating apathy soon too, and continuing to update more on this story! get hyped shishters

thank you all for sticking around, voting, commenting, following, and supporting me!! I love you guys so much ♡

much love,
-sonorabee (cyn ᴗ̈)