zentropy | mileven.

²⁰⁾ the end of the world

[JANE POV.]

❝ why does my heart go on beating, why do these eyes of mine cry, don't they know it's the end of the world, it ended when you said goodbye ! ❞

━ CHAPTER TWENTY.

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"WE NEED to talk."

"no. no, we don't."

I shook my head repeatedly, my eyes filling with concern and anguish all centered and fixed on him.

those four words. those four fucking words had shattered me to pieces before, taken my limbs and joints and crushed them bit by bit with only the smallest amount of pressure. I was not about to let it happen again.

"jane, I can't just keep using you like this. I can't keep being that person in your life who plays with your emotions. I just can't."
my head continued to shake, tears falling effortlessly from my face in a manner in which I never even noticed they had formed in the first place.

"don't. don't do this again. please."
I quickly took his much large hands in my own small ones, holding them through my shaky nerves and cold bloodless fingers.

"jane-"

"no!"

I wanted very much to not have existed at that moment. to have never existed at all- to be swept away by some invisible force and carried into a parallel universe in which somehow- he could have loved me. I knew they existed. there were parallel universes for every instance- there was one in which I had blonde hair instead of brown. there was one in which my name was lola instead of jane. there was probably one where I had never talked to michael wheeler that cold autumn day in mid november for the first timeー and there was one, I knew there had to be one, in which he loved me. he loved me just as I loved him.

that was the universe I belonged to. that was the universe I should've been in.

"I still love her."

that was the universe I wanted to escape to, because I sure as hell did not belong to this one.
and for once, I was embarrassed of how tightly woven I had become. I felt in danger of shutting down completely, and the only thing keeping me breathing above the surface of the floor was the feel of his skin against mine, his fingers interlocked and almost connected to my own.

I wish I could forget everything- forget any semblance of him and the world I had come to know. forget myself and every inch of skin that rested upon my muscles that he had touched. forget every song we danced to together, forget every piece of clothing I wore that had wrestled against his, forget the feeling of his palms against mine as we compared the sizes of our hands and he would laugh about how tiny mine were in comparison. I wished at that moment- more than ever- that I had never known what it was like to love him. that I had never met him or opened myself up to him. that I had never lived a life with him in it.

and the worst thing about it all is- I had betrayed myself, gone against my better judgement and ripped myself open flayed apart for the world to see- all for nothing. i had done it so many times, cut myself in half and spread my lungs in opposite directions just waiting for the day that this sin of destruction against my own self would have been worth it. again and again, stitching myself back up and then ripping the seams once more just for him to spit on my heart with those words of still loving her, still loving her when the only thing she was sure of was his first name. and I was done.